wow this is like the most common question
usually the answer is
from guys perspective: no guys and girls can’t be friends
from girls perspective: yes we can be ‘just’ friends

my 2c

Interesting article – I do wonder though about a few things:

1) generational impact/age impact – I suspect that for people in their 20′s relationships/friendships cross boundaries more often than in the 30′s/40′s – but I do wonder if it catches up again to single people in their 40′s.

2) like the author – gay/lesbian community – I suspect the rules are very different. also different for straight people with gay/lesbian friends

3) personality disorders – always a cause for chaos and misunderstandings in relationships.

My story – 22 years ago – dated a guy – did not get intimate (almost) but fell head over heels in love with him – lost touch until a couple years ago when we found each other. He has a girlfriend and he has been “saved”.

I spent the weekend visiting him – he never mentioned the girlfriend and only reluctantly brings her up – BUT if I push him on relationship definition he says he has a committed relationship with a little more – with her – and a committed/firm friendship with me. And that the two paths will never cross and will never interfere with each other. I should mention we live several states apart while the girlfriend is in the same city.

The “girlfriend” doesn’t let him in her house/broke up with him/kicked him out/blah blah blah..

So – I think.. there’s something in the original article that talks about emotional investment – and I think that’s prevalent here – he get some sense of the physical fulfillment (not much) with her. Emotional/spiritual fulfillment with me – and he can always look like the victim and he REALLY doesn’t have to commit or take responsibility for anything.

I love him dearly, but I am still learning to accept the limitations of the relationship (ironically the same thing he says about his relationship with his girlfriend – that there are obvious limitations), and most importantly, I am trying to take the things I find attractive in him and find a man who really wants a relationship instead.

Men and penises. Women have vaginas. Once we look past new age feminist talk of acceptance of men and women being friends, we’ll understand what’s really going on. Women who fancy themselves on maintaining friendships with their ex boyfriends all often fill an emotional void that was or is no longer there.

I’ve experienced the girlfriend with male friends dilemma. I’ve found women with primarily male friends are attention seekers and only get that positive reinforcement from males. I can tell you that if your girlfriend is good looking, they want to be with her, physically and/or romantically. They will wait around for years in the friend zone for their moment of opportunity. If your girlfriend wore tight jeans, they would look at her ass. Why? Because they are a guy and will play the friend role until they can have it.

I’ve found women who attempt to have a real man as a boyfriend, as they simultaneously keep their group of male friends, end up losing their man. The reason this occurs is because a real man smell a poacher a mile away. When the man explains the man’s true intentions to his girlfriend, the girlfriend will either 1) get rid off these guys or 2) tell you you’re being jealous or irrational. The latter option is where relationships fail when such opposite sex friends are introduced. The man, being a man, will not tolerate an immature women thinking otherwise. He may initially tolerate it but if the behavior doesn’t change, he will discount her and think she’s not marriage material. In the end, the real man she’s looking for leaves because she kept all the ones she really didn’t want in the first place.

Anyone who disagrees my posting will either be a woman or new age emo male with a pot belly an skinny jeans.

That was pleasure to see your posts, I’m looking forward to seeing the other soon, as well. I’m going to visit the blog again next week so I could read the remaining entries. Hope that’s okay…

@confused…

The unrelated and cool thing about this thread is I found the article and commented a couple years ago and it sends me posts over time. Its like the blog topic that never dies. Alas, I checked “notify me of followups”, though it never occurred to me the posts would go on and be active for years to come. I appreciate it though.

Especially to here of a person who actually wants to share logical opinions on the subject. I decided to reply because if you were being honest I sense there is a lot of emotion – both pain and likely anger – going on. Thats normal.

However there is something that is unfortunately not normal going on. I thought hard about how to say this, but sense I am a stranger as well as a man, straightforward honesty wins today. What you have defined and opened your heart to emotionally is not a healthy relationship. So your relationship as you define it is not healthy. This is because she is not in the same relationship based on the assumed perimeters you have. Let me be clear with what I just said: it is not a normal loving comitment because she is not fully commited. This in fact is by far NOT abnormal.

The question really comes down to what YOU want. And dont pull the “man, I love her, so I want what she wants, because love is unconditional.” Let me say right away that if you think these thoughts your right, love is unconditional. The caveat in a healthy and loving relationship is the reciprocation. If she does not walk away from her past and embrace her future/present relationship there can never be a healthy, ideal, i.e. normal, relationship.

So, @confused, do you want to hold open the treasure chest of your heart and soul like a fine suit vest held open – but this will feel like your very ribs. And when the cold wind of reality blows on an open heart, it feels like the open would you just evisioned. It is only when another person holds open there heart and the two come together is it not a wound, but a glorious beginning. A beginning. Where different kinds of pain and joy, struggles and victories can flow, but you are not there.

Your waiting for her to leave her last one. And your really alone, though she visits with sweet nothings on her lips and flowers in her hands, she is not embracing what your offering.

Your a good man, in what you say about your thoughts and softer side allowing her to decide, but your friends are right. If all you really wanted was our opinions on that. Close your heart, your love will still remain, it probably is true. Be proud of that. Hurt should never be shame. Accept the hurt and allow yourself to move on, showing her how what you are giving her is meant for only one women. [at this point you might even read my old two posts to understand more!] All your logic and love seems real and accurate from what I am shown by your post. Teach her by freeing her. Its not poetic, its good advise. Make it clean.

In time, maybe, let her come to you when – and if – she wants to. Thats love my friend. Hurts like a b***, but man…..when someone, probably not her, does reciprocate….mountains will move. The earth will shake. I promise.

Hey everyone ive recently found myself in the above situation and have been having a lot of difficulty with it and hoping for some feedback/suggestions.

I met my gf a few months ago and we have quickly fallen for each other adn have a connection like I have never experienced. When we started dating I actually had to go away for work for 1 month and we stayed in touch a lot everyday and I started to find out a lot about her including that most of her time was spent with her best friend, who is a guy. I commented that male and females never truely have a “best friend” relationship that is genuine without one having interest in the other and her reply was that he is just the male version of her and they have been best friends for years.

Facts:
They spend a lot of thier spare time together and regualry alone, including, shopping, getting hair and manicures, doing tax returns together, all social events are together, they work together, every saturday is “meow meow” day they have little pet name for each other that makes me feel sick when they say it to each other in front of me.

They are very touchy feely, openly talk about loving each other (in a friendship way) kiss hug and always talking, they are basically the perfect couple to look at that do not have sex.

A few years ago he has also told her he was in love with her but she said they didnt talk for a while after that and that its all worked now and its just a friendship.

I have been extremely uncomfortable with the relationship they have and kept my mouth shut until the last few days where I have been trying to get feedback from friends and online opinions.

We have had very heated discussions about it but I have managed to point out enough facts that she can see now that he is in love with her, and she was just so close to it that she couldnt see it.

She has since admitted that she is completely emotionally dependant on him and feels she needs that love from him for support and her security blanket but she has also said she wants to break free from it as I am the one she wants to be with.

I believe in male female friendships but not at this level and I find it extremely disrespectful to our relationship and do not believe a good long term relationship can be formed and progress while she is still spending time with the guy that is in love with her and she is emotionally dependant on, this is especially difficult as I work month on month off (away) and her time left behind is often spent with him alone and socially.

She told him yesterday that they need to ease up and they cant call each other meow meow any more (I dont even know the truth of where that name came from, im told they both like cats hmm) she said it went well and he understands. My opinion: Of course he understands, he will do anything for her, he has stood by her for years and will do what ever she asks but this does not change that he is in love with her and she is emotionally dependant on him.

So now she thinks its fine but wants to continue the friendship and thinks its completely fine that they spend alone time together still just not as often or as intimately as it has been for so long.

Im not comfortable with this at all, in fact considering everything in this situation I am not comfortable with them in any manner, this is not a friendship, it is an emotional relationship and she admitts that. I believe you can only have one special person in your life (at this level) and this whole situation is completely wrong.

Note: after talking to all my friends going back home this week they all said cut it away and that it is absolute bulls#*t but I dont want to, she means too much to me

Thanks for taking the time to read this, i may have missed a few things feel free to ask anything and all opinions on the situation would be greatly appreciated.

This article in a nutshell:

Men are sexual extroverts and emotional introverts.
Women are emotional extroverts and sexual introverts.

I have a best friends who’s a female and we’re not attracted to each other. And I’m straight. It really depends how you got to know each other. We were friends since we were young, I see her as a little sister.

nice website..great information! I’ll check back soon!

You wrote a very well detailed and so to the point article. I wish more men and women read this. Personally, I have to share this with a couple of my women friend who seem not to understand that there are uniques differences between men and women and the way a man views friendship is not the same as a woman view friendships. Sure two people of the opposite sex can be freinds but not on a intimate level or emotional level like you so brilliantly pointed out.

I came to that conclusion in college myself. My quote was “Men and women cannot be friends unless they are both not physically attracted to one another.”

Thanks, Laura!

Wow, this is so brilliantly written! I had so many “Ah ha!” moments it’s insane. I might be deluding myself – but don’t think so for many reasons – about actually having a couple of guy friend exceptions lol, but I do think so. If I’m wrong, I hope I find that out soon and there remains a happy solution for all! But seriously, thanks for this article. I couldn’t get enough of it! Wow, unreal.

I am a great believer in whatever happens will happen for a reason and I think you are absolutely right to just keep living the life. I have never had a problem having male friends who are just friends; it is other people who seem to have the problem.
Good luck.

New poster, very late to the discussion. I was in the exact same position in college. Was best friends with a girl for two years and gradually fell in love with her. Girls can definitely be friends with men, not the other way around if the man is even slightly interested at the get-go. And I highly, highly agree with your point…just like women shouldn’t get physically involved too fast, men shouldn’t get emotionally involved too fast.

I’m married now to a woman I’m utterly crazy about for the last 5 years running. And now I have women friends with no friction, though I do keep an eye on myself in case I’m starting to develop feelings. But, there hasn’t been even a spark with other women. My wife is the woman I confide my secrets in the most.

Phil