The Realization

A few years ago, I came to the realization that just about all of my close friends and everyone that I really “clicked” with in the professional world had played some form of team sports when they were a kid. They all weren’t necessarily stand-outs, but they had at least played on a team at one time or another.

It’s not like I ask people what sport they played before deciding if I can be friends with them or not; I’ve just identified an interesting tendency that’s pretty reliable.

Thanks to My Parents

I’ve also become much more appreciative that my parents pushed me to play sports when I was kid. I remember a few times that I resisted; but today, I can’t think of another activity that did so much to prepare me for life.

There’s just something about people who played team sports when they were young… To put it simply, they just “get” it. They’re competitive, yet able to work with other people. They know how to work hard, and they know how to play hard.

Psychologically, they’ve developed the ability from a young age to put aside their personal comfort for the good of the group. This is such a hard quality to find in people in today’s self-centered society. Most people want everything handed to them, but I’d rather work with someone who understands that they have to earn their status.

A Hollywood Example

Here’s a decent example: in Hollywood, everyone starts out as a PA. PA stands for “Production Assistant,” which is a generic term for an entry-level gopher job. The entertainment is a largely closed-off community and the only way in is through the bottom.

PAs get worked. They’re usually forced to put in 12-16 hour days for just about no money. Their existence is often reduced to degrading work such as fetching coffee or picking up dry-cleaning for the producers. It’s tough work, but PAs get exposure to the inner-workings of entertainment production and tend to be the first in line for higher-level jobs in the future.

How to Get Past PA

To make it past PA and get hired for a better job, you have to: 1. have the ability to suspend your ego and 2. have a ferocious work ethic; two qualities that are in short supply in today’s world.

Many people can’t lower themselves to get coffee for someone else. They feel entitled to a certain level of status. They are concerned with upholding their reputation.

Work ethic is a whole other story. The human body is capable of working many times harder than the brain realizes. Most people stop at the first sign of pain, but they could go much further if they had developed any toughness.

Pushing the Limits

Pushing the body past previous limits causes growth. Muscles of the body and mind rebuild stronger, with higher limits. Legally, your boss can’t force you to work until you’re in pain; but those that do are definitely going to stand out.

Playing team sports lays the foundation for humility and work ethic. These two qualities are tough to acquire at an older age. You can’t just put someone in a seminar and expect them to come out a productive team-player. It’s woven into the fabric of your being.

The Best Way I Know

The best way I know to instill this ethic is to play team sports. That’s not to say that it can’t be learned any other way. I’m sure growing up on a farm or being forced to run the family drugstore at 12 years old might do the trick. I just haven’t run across anyone who “gets it” without having played team sports as a kid.

Am I wrong?

Jim Cramer

I heard Jim Cramer say once on his TV show that when he worked at Goldman Sachs, he only hired people that had played team sports. Apparently, he felt so strongly about the connection between playing team sports and work ethic that he wouldn’t even take a chance on someone who didn’t.

I can see why he had that policy. Just because someone didn’t play team sports doesn’t mean that they don’t have the right work ethic; it just means the chances are a lot less. A numbers guy is going to go with the odds that work in his favor.

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Duality

The most ancient social duality is the tendency of humans to split into one of two groups:

The Conformists: who, out of fear of humiliation, band together in like-minded packs; dressing, talking, and thinking in the acceptable way of the majority.

or

The Anti-Conformist Conformists: who, out of fear of humiliation, band together in like-minded packs; dressing, talking, and thinking in the acceptable way of the minority.

Each group sees themselves as distinctly unique from the other in every way, trying as hard as they can to accent their strengths and insult the other’s perceived weaknesses; but in truth, both are essentially the same.

Fear of Rejection

Humans, by nature have an irrational fear of rejection; the most powerful social force we know. Consider that fear of public speaking often ranks higher than fear of death in studies of human motivators. If those studies are correct, most people would rather die than risk being rejected by a large group of their peers.

As a result of this fear, humans look to their political, social, and religious leaders for guidance on how to act, look, talk, dress, and behave so that they might safely blend in. We learn from our early programming a list of what is acceptable and what isn’t. We learn to give a hard time to anyone who doesn’t fit the mold.

Relativism

About the time I entered the stage of relativism in my intellectual and ethical development, I started to question conformity. Why should I just blindly do what everyone else is doing? Just because they’re doing it doesn’t make it right. Why don’t more people think for themselves?

I was going through the same process as most students do when they enter college. Experiencing separation from my family and being exposed to many conflicting, yet valid, points of view opened my mind considerably.

Parents

As a kid, you tend not to question what your parents tell you. You might resent them for it, but deep down, you know that they are “right.” When you leave the house and begin making your own decisions, you realize that there’s a world of possibilities out there.

If you go to college, or are an avid reader, you begin to realize that people with seemingly opposing view points can both be “right.” The concept of right and wrong becomes relative to the eye of the beholder.

To some people in this stage of development, conformity becomes absurd. Why should they do what others think is “right” when there may not even be a “right” and “wrong” to begin with? (Hence their entrance into the anti-conformist movement.)

How Not to Look

Anti-conformists look to political, social, and religious leaders for guidance on how not to act, look, talk, dress, and behave so that they might safely stand out. Their list of what’s acceptable and what’s not is often simply the mirror opposite of the conformists list.

To show to the world that they are rejecting the norm, they don the uniform of the anti-conformist. Depending on the band, it might be a color of clothing, a hairstyle, a body accessory, or a way of life. While considerably different than the conformists, the anti-conformists begin to look surprisingly alike.

You Become What You Hate

In their haste not to conform, they made the same mistake of their adversaries: letting someone else control how they think. Instead of blindly following someone, they blindly rejected them. By hating the idea of dogmatism, they became dogmatic in their approach.

Just because everyone else is doing something doesn’t necessarily make it right, but it also doesn’t make it wrong. Automatically rejecting the majority is no wiser than automatically accepting it.

Both conformists and anti-conformists are guilty of not thinking critically.

Music

My first introduction to this concept was in my teens as I was developing my taste for music. I found it fascinating to observe the music tastes of other people and analyze how they came to their conclusions.

Depending on where you live, there’s usually a majority opinion on what is considered good music. Popular music (or “pop”) is typically safe, repetitive, and easily memorable; while underground music is typically edgy, harsh, or “different.”

By definition, pop music fans represent the conformists. They like the same type of music as the majority; but do they like it because it’s popular or because it’s good music?

I’ve always found it interesting when I meet people that claim to “hate” pop music. I once worked at a restaurant with this girl who practically gagged herself every time a Counting Crows song played over the house speakers. She always made a big production about how much they sucked and how over-played they were.

I happen to like The Counting Crows, but that’s not the reason I took exception to her reasoning. I’d respect a well thought-out argument about how she didn’t like their playing style or the lead singer’s voice.

It would make more sense to me if she said that she didn’t like the majority of their songs, but one or two were tolerable. That would provide some evidence that she had given them a chance and made a legitimate evaluation.

It’s the fact that she hated the band just because they were popular that puzzled me. The Counting Crows could have replaced their lead singer and changed to her favorite style and she still would have rejected all their music.

In my lifetime, I’ve run across countless people who dogmatically reject all things pop. It’s as if they think that the only way to be smart or cultured is to like the exact opposite of everyone else.

I’m not saying that I’m a huge pop fan. In fact, I have very little pop music in my iTunes library; but I’m not afraid to like a song just because it gets played.

Movies

I’ve noticed a movement in the last ten years towards anti-conformist conformity in Hollywood. The film business has always been home to counter-culture types, but lately it seems to be all the rage.

Ratings for The Oscars have been slipping over the same time period, partially because the average American has never even heard of the movies that are getting nominated. This tells me that the taste of the majority and the taste of the Academy voters are slowly diverging.

Along the same line of thinking as those who would reject pop music, it seems as if a growing minority tend to love movies that no one else likes. This holds especially true if the movie doesn’t make any sense. It’s as if they attach themselves to movies that no one else understands so they can claim to be of higher mental capacity.

“If you have to ask, you’ll never know.”

If a movie has an edgy component that will offend the masses: all the better; even if it’s exposition is unnecessary to the story line. This sort of dogmatic rejection of mainstream is just as ridiculous as dogmatic conformity.

Being a member of the independent film community myself, I’m all for low-budget, artsy films… as long as they’re good. I just don’t think that we should be limiting our palate based on a film’s popularity.

Critical Thinking

I’d like to see a move towards critical thinking, where each individual studies the possibilities, evaluates all sides, and makes a decision based on strong reasoning. Music and Movies are relatively inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, but they represent how people tend to think on larger issues as well.

Instead of automatically going along with everyone else or automatically rejecting everyone else, it would be nice if each person would make their own decision with all available information.

If everyone used this type of thinking, we’d still have a wide diversity of opinions, we would just be more respectful of those that don’t agree with us.

Isn’t it strange how smart people tend to do dumb things? I guess it’s one of those paradoxes of life when a computer genius locks himself out of his house, or a science whiz can’t remember where she left the pencil she used two minutes before.

It’s almost as if geniuses are using so much of their brain power on creativity and high-consciousness that they neglect the more primitive, but still necessary brain functions.

Social Skills

Furthermore, isn’t it strange how smart people don’t seem to have a clue when it comes to social skills? This premise has been etched into our cultural consciousness by a sharp divide between the “nerds” and the “cool kids.”

Traditional geniuses are like fish out of water when it comes to climbing the social hierarchy. Have you ever heard the statistic that most CEOs are “C” students? My life experience has shown this to be true. All the smart people seem to be placed in highly specialized jobs, working for a much less intelligent leader at the top.

What’s up With That?

Are smart people so deficient in social and primitive cognitive functions that average people pass them by; or are social skills and practicality a type of intelligence all their own?

The Lockout King

I learned the difference between traditional and practical intelligence early on. Even though I was top of my class in high school, I always did the stupidest things!

For starters, I locked my keys in my car about twice a week. My mom was so trained to bail me out of that mess that she kept a spare set of keys on her. No matter how many times it happened, I couldn’t seem to figure out how to remember.

It wasn’t until I was halfway through college that I developed a system: keys in my left pocket, phone in my right, wallet in my my back pocket. Every time I left any location, I patted my pockets to be sure everything was in it’s place.

Now, why couldn’t I have figured that out in high school? I guess I was too smart for primitive systems.

Master of Common Sense

Deryck, my best friend since I was 5, has always been the master of common sense (one of my great deficiencies). When I was a kid, I never fully appreciated the value of his skill; but looking back, he kept me from forgetting where I put my head.

Deryck and I would get into arguments because I thought I was too smart for common sense. I always had a “better” way of doing something and had little use for proven systems.

He would push me to just go talk to the girl, and I’d come up with some elaborate way to show her a sign without actually having to go through the discomfort of doing it the old-fashioned way.

In actuality, we made a great team. If I hadn’t grown up with him, I may not have developed even the sliver of common sense that I have now!

Many Types of Intelligence

Right around the last time I ever locked my keys in the car, I finally realized that there was more than one type of intelligence. Being “book smart” was only one kind, and to focus solely on it would be to neglect the other “muscles” in my brain.

Other brain muscles include common sense, mechanical ability, athleticism, verbal ability, musical ability, and social skills (just to name a few.) I made the mistake of thinking that my type of intelligence was the only kind!

This realization gave me a greater respect for everyone else around me. If you look closely, everyone has some sort of developed intelligence, even if the rest of society doesn’t realize it. Unfortunately, many people who aren’t “book smart” don’t think of themselves of intelligent and sort of give up.

I also realized that I was going to have to work on some of my deficiencies if I was going to be a more rounded individual. I spent a lot of time reading about and putting into practice my social and “common sense” muscles.

Why Do Smart People Do Dumb Things?

Smart people can get too focused on a single type of intelligence and neglect the rest. It’s easy to think you’ve got it made when your teachers, parents, and everyone around you is calling you “smart.”

Unfortunately, even though there are many types of intelligence, society has chosen the type it considers “smart.” People with other types are left thinking that they aren’t smart, and people who are considered “smart” are left thinking that they know it all.

When smart people neglect their social or common-sense muscles, it’s usually an issue with “being in the moment.” Creative or highly-cerebral people tend to feel very comfortable in their own heads and tend to stay there. They are always working on solving a problem or creating something beautiful, and sometimes neglect to take a look at what’s around them.

It can be quite a shift for a thinker to step outside his head for a few moments; but like a physical muscle, the brain muscle required to “be in the moment” can be exercised and strengthened.

Duality

We’ll probably always have a duality between “book smart” and “street smart.” Each group needs the other.

Genius Types recognize a duality when they see it, and don’t get stuck on one side or the other.

It’s funny how empathy works. It’s easy to feel for someone who’s completely unselfsish and sweeps their own pain under a rug; but the second they demand our sorrow, our will to empathize with them vanishes.

Paradox

This phoenomenon seems to work against logic. We empathize with (and help) those who need it least (or at least appear to need it least), while we ignore those who appear to need it the most.

This paradox may root deeply in a subconscious Darwinian instinct to protect the strong and ignore the weak; or it might just be that people don’t like to be told what to do.

Regardless of where it comes from, there’s a lesson to be learned here: Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Dust yourself off and get to work.

Everyone’s Got Pain

We all have it rough. People have the tendency to think that they’re the only ones in the world with pain. In actuality, everyone feels pain. Some just show it more than others.

Even if your life is worse than everyone else’s, it doesn’t do you any good to feel sorry for yourself. The net result is alienation from others and a deeping of your problems.

Circle of Influence

If I hear someone feeling sorry for himself, it tells me that he is not taking enough personal responsibility for hiis life. He thinks that he can’t do anything about what is happening to him.

The diagram to the left was borrowed from Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. The two concentric circles represent a person’s cirlce of concern (all the things they worry or care about) and circle of influence (all the things that they assume responsibility for).

A person who feels sorry for himself focuses his attention on the outer ring: inside his circle of concern, but outside his circle of influence. As a result, his circle of influence shrinks. Because he paid so much attention to the things he couldn’t control, and no attention to the things that he could; he slowly and unconsciously hands over his life to others, piece by piece.

Expand Your Circle of Influence

The idea is to assume responsibility for all aspects of your life, even the areas that seem to be out of your control. It may seem silly or counterproductive to assume responsibility for your boss firing you, your company going out of business, or the economy going south; but the act of doing so sets some very important processes in motion.

Assuming responsibility for everything in your life starts to increase your circle of influence. As the outer edge expands, you begin to gain more and more power over your life. This principle works subltly, which explains why so few people use it.

If you begin to operate in this fashion, your boss might begin to ask you for advice, expanding your circle of influence. You might get promoted to a point where you have more control over the destiny of the company. You might even make enough money to weather the economy.

Bottom Line

Don’t get caught up in how universal principles work. Maybe it’s psychological, maybe it’s sociological, maybe it’s spiritual. Maybe it has to do with the phenomenon of empathy; meaning that you’ll get more help from others if you don’t feel sorry for yourself. What matters is that it works.

The bottom line is this: Life is too short to waste time feeling sorry for yourself. Dust yourself off and start expanding your circle of influence.

Every time I catch the scent of freshly cut grass, no matter where I am, my life pauses for a moment as I transport back to one of my favorite places and feelings of all time… I used to have a lawn mowing business in high school where I spent countless hours gliding over lawns with a red, double-bladed, 36 inch mower cranked up in fifth gear.

I didn’t have an iPod, a Discman, or even a tape player to entertain me. I just had my thoughts and my awareness of the moment.

Sometimes I’d take an extra few passes over the finished lawn just to savor the moment and finish the idea germinating in my mind. The methodic manual labor heightened my creativity to a place where epiphanies are made.

Subtlety

It’s funny how the course of life takes you through subtle, unnoticeable changes in emotional state until you are in a place completely different from where you started. A little thing like the smell of freshly cut grass can take you back and make you realize the changes you have made without even knowing it.

In today’s cyber-reality and ultra-connectedness, I sometimes miss those simpler times. Although my work is more sophisticated and supposedly more important today, I’ve never been as satisfied with myself as I was after a long, hard day of cutting grass. The sense of accomplishment is hard to beat.

Candy

Maybe that’s why I enjoy my candy vending route. Although it requires much less of me physically, I enjoy the time I spend fixing machines, driving to locations, and thinking to myself.

Today, I was walking out of the store with a shopping cart full of candy when I caught wind of a scent that I had almost become immune to. A mixture of sea breeze, flowers, and oily concrete took me back to my first day in Hollywood a year ago.

It didn’t seem that long ago, but rediscovering a feeling of excitement, alertness, and possibility offered a contrast to the state I had subtly acquired. I remember thinking that the overwhelming feeling in Hollywood was the sense that anything was possible. It was a place where stars were born without any written map to success. I could feel the energy vibrating out of the ground and pushing me to shoot for the moon.

Jet Fuel

It was good to be reminded of that sense of adventure. I’ve always lived an unconventional life heavy on risk and novelty and light on routine. Maybe that’s why I kept my vending business in Austin, so I could get back on a plane every few months and change my surroundings.

Every time I walk down the jetway to board my flight, the smell of jet fuel takes me back to the seven years I spent as a French interpreter for Continental Airlines. I never really liked the job much, but I loved the sense of adventure and independence I felt each time I boarded a plane to Europe.

Most of the time, I was jet-lagged and half asleep, but I had the sense I was doing something that few people ever got to do. It felt like I knew some piece of information that most people didn’t.

River of Life

I hope I never forget the best feelings of my life, and never stop creating new ones. It’s easy to fall into a rut and let the river of life float you to a place you didn’t intend to go. We need those great little moments to make it all worthwhile.