It’s funny how empathy works. It’s easy to feel for someone who’s completely unselfsish and sweeps their own pain under a rug; but the second they demand our sorrow, our will to empathize with them vanishes.
Paradox
This phoenomenon seems to work against logic. We empathize with (and help) those who need it least (or at least appear to need it least), while we ignore those who appear to need it the most.
This paradox may root deeply in a subconscious Darwinian instinct to protect the strong and ignore the weak; or it might just be that people don’t like to be told what to do.
Regardless of where it comes from, there’s a lesson to be learned here: Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Dust yourself off and get to work.
Everyone’s Got Pain
We all have it rough. People have the tendency to think that they’re the only ones in the world with pain. In actuality, everyone feels pain. Some just show it more than others.
Even if your life is worse than everyone else’s, it doesn’t do you any good to feel sorry for yourself. The net result is alienation from others and a deeping of your problems.
Circle of Influence
If I hear someone feeling sorry for himself, it tells me that he is not taking enough personal responsibility for hiis life. He thinks that he can’t do anything about what is happening to him.
The diagram to the left was borrowed from Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. The two concentric circles represent a person’s cirlce of concern (all the things they worry or care about) and circle of influence (all the things that they assume responsibility for).
A person who feels sorry for himself focuses his attention on the outer ring: inside his circle of concern, but outside his circle of influence. As a result, his circle of influence shrinks. Because he paid so much attention to the things he couldn’t control, and no attention to the things that he could; he slowly and unconsciously hands over his life to others, piece by piece.
Expand Your Circle of Influence
The idea is to assume responsibility for all aspects of your life, even the areas that seem to be out of your control. It may seem silly or counterproductive to assume responsibility for your boss firing you, your company going out of business, or the economy going south; but the act of doing so sets some very important processes in motion.
Assuming responsibility for everything in your life starts to increase your circle of influence. As the outer edge expands, you begin to gain more and more power over your life. This principle works subltly, which explains why so few people use it.
If you begin to operate in this fashion, your boss might begin to ask you for advice, expanding your circle of influence. You might get promoted to a point where you have more control over the destiny of the company. You might even make enough money to weather the economy.
Bottom Line
Don’t get caught up in how universal principles work. Maybe it’s psychological, maybe it’s sociological, maybe it’s spiritual. Maybe it has to do with the phenomenon of empathy; meaning that you’ll get more help from others if you don’t feel sorry for yourself. What matters is that it works.
The bottom line is this: Life is too short to waste time feeling sorry for yourself. Dust yourself off and start expanding your circle of influence.
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As Winston Churchill said as world war two was pounding the Brits ,, “WHEN YOU ARE GOING THROUGH HELL”, “JUST KEEP GOING…
Seriously! Great insight (:
But personally I disagree with the advice of assuming reponsibility, because some times in life there is really nothing you can do.. 100% of effort does not guarantee 100% of the positive feedback.. which might even worsen his/ her confidence.
God helps those that help themselves, and vice versa. I always have to remember that courage isn’t the absence of fear or pain, it’s moving forward in spite of it.
That’s great insight.
Its really an informative and motivating post and right method which can help in a very effective way to do what we wish and desire regarding business deals and investment too.Thanks for the wonderful post.
Pain is undeniable to suffer is choice
I think people who are unselfish exude this sort of confidence that infects people, and that’s why they like to be around them more. Even though things are bad, they keep pressing on, which is something that normal people just don’t do.
Wow, what would history be if Martin Luther King Jr. felt sorry for himself and his family?
jut like what god has said to me!
I love the following simple, yet inspiring story from a newsletter at work. I hope someone appreciates its meaning.
The Determined Donkey
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into an old abandoned well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then to everyone’s amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw.
With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkeywas doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.