One of the greatest challenges we face in our lifetimes is becoming comfortable in our own skin. A person who is secure with himself is much more likely to achieve success, have meaningful relationships, and be respected by others.
A person who is insecure finds difficulty in many aspects of life. Since most people are insecure, a person who is secure has power and influence over others; even if they are not otherwise powerful.
Coming to terms with who you are is the first step in obtaining happiness in life. The sooner you realize that happiness is something that you decide internally, and not something that you get from people or posessions; the sooner you will be able to create your own destiny.
A Lifelong Process
Everyone has some form of insecurity. It’s almost impossible to be 100% free of doubt. There have only been a handful of people throughout history who have obtained this level of confidence, and most of them have gone on to be great spiritual leaders. Now, we look up to them as role-models.
Confidence is usually a gradual process. It often comes with age and wisdom (although some people never find it). Those who work on themselves and gain confidence early on will have a much easier time navigating the challenges of life.
Insecurity is Destructive
Even though none of us are perfect; it’s easy to spot those of us who are overly insecure. Extreme insecurity is usually marked by an obsession with gaining the approval of other people. This level of self-doubt is extremely destructive to a person’s life and is often the root of almost all their problems.
More specifically, secure people find validation from within; while insecure people attempt to find validation from sources outside themselves. This external search for security manifests itself in two major ways:
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1. A person becomes overly selfish. While both sexes engage in this sort of insecurity, men are slightly more likely to choose this route. A selfish person attempts to find security by surrounding himself with possessions, accolades, and attention.
2. A person becomes overly accomodating. Once again, this form of insecurity is common in both sexes, but women are slightly more likely to choose it as their primary mode of compensation. An overly accommodating person attempts to gain the approval of other people by bending over backwards for them.
A Matter of Energy
I read one of the most eloquent explanations of why people behave the way they do in a book called The Celestine Prophesy by James Redfield. It’s a fictional adventure that tries to explain a few things about reality. The basic gist of the book is that we are all connected by an energy.
I read The Celestine Prophesy over ten years ago, and back then most people saw it as a little hokey. Today, the idea that energy connects us all is becoming mainstream, especially with the advancement of quantum physics and the cultural phenomenon The Secret.
Here’s the basic idea:
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People need emotional energy like they need air. Scientists have found that infants respond dramatically to human touch, and will almost “starve” without it. Quality relationships have been found to be a better indicator of good health than smoking status, weight, or genetics. Even though we can’t quantify it, this emotional energy is a very real and important part of our lives.
As children, we get our emotional energy from our parents; just like we get food, water, and shelter. Just as food provides nourishment for our bodies, emotional energy nourishes our souls; giving us confidence and security.
A person has made a successful transition to adulthood when she has learned to provide food, water, and shelter for herself. By the same token, she hasn’t fully matured until she has also learned to provide emotional energy for herself.
Many people never learn to produce their own emotional energy and continue to seek it from other people, even into adulthood. When they are around others, they draw energy from those around them to fill their void. This burden of energy fatigues the people around them and causes conflict.
Conversely, a person who has learned to create their own energy is free to give the excess to other people.
Signs of Insecurity
Here are some common signs that indicate insecurity:
Defensiveness
Insecure people tend to be very sensitive to critique and respond with defensiveness. They aren’t comfortable enough with themselves to accept that they might be flawed.
A secure person can handle criticism. They’re open to hearing about ways they might improve. If they disagree with the criticism, they don’t try to argue because they’re happy with who they are.
They’re comfortable enough to be themselves, even if other people don’t like it. They realize that they can’t please everyone.
Can’t Enjoy Silence
Some insecure people just can’t deal with silence. They fill every void with meaningless chatter, almost to avoid having to reflect on themselves. The unfortunate consequence is the annoyance of everyone around them, who secretly look for an escape.
A secure person can tolerate, and often enjoys silence. If they are with someone else, they have the ability to let someone else talk without having to interject their own perspective.
Excessive Joking
Another coping mechanism for insecurity is constant joking. While a sense of humor is almost necessary for emotional health, the excessive joker doesn’t seem to know the limits of appropriateness. (Think Michael Scott on “The Office.”)
It feels good when everyone laughs at your joke, and an insecure person craves this sort of attention. The unfortunate consequence is an uncomfortable environment and an insensitivity to others.
Jokes are almost always more funny when they are well-timed and delivered by a person of confidence. Security gives you the ability to be sensitive of others; knowing what they would consider funny and what they would consider offensive.
Self-Promoting
Insecure people tend to talk about themselves constantly, as if they feel like they have to prove themselves. Self-promotion is paramount to over-compensation for doubt.
A confident person doesn’t need to promote himself. His qualities are displayed naturally by the way he lives his life. Besides, he doesn’t need validation from anyone anyway.
Bullying
Insecure people feel threatened by others, and one way to cope with this is to try and squash them. The most threatening person of all to an insecure person is a secure person, because they can sense their power.
Overly Authoritative
Insecure people in positions of power tend to compensate for their lack of confidence by taking out their frustrations on their subordinates. They might issue unfair punishments or orders as a way to prove their authority.
I once had a boss who took joy in screaming at his employees, even for minor offenses. Once, I overheard him speaking to another manager about picking someone to fire for the fun of it. This kind of excessive authoritativeness is an obvious over-compensation for insecurity.
Overly Competitive
Competitiveness is part of a healthy emotional makeup, but over-competitiveness is a sign of a problem. Someone who can’t take losing by making a big emotional display lacks confidence.
A person who is secure with himself wins or loses with grace. Grace has a lot to do with respecting your opponent, and you can only do that if you are first comfortable with yourself.
Materialistic
A very dangerous coping mechanism for insecurity is buying things you can’t afford just to show off. We can all think of people with huge TV’s, fast cars, and every toy known to man; even though they don’t make much money. People like this tend to run up their credit cards and get themselves into big trouble.
A secure person doesn’t need to show off. He doesn’t care what other people think about his possessions.
Insecurity in Relationships
Insecurity tends to be amplified in relationships. In this situation, there is a constant struggle for control and energy.
Interestingly enough, people tend to be attracted to other people at the same level of security. Insecure people tend to find other insecure people to date, and secure people tend to date other secure people.
A healthy relationship is made up of two secure people who create their own emotional energy and give to their partner. An unhealthy relationship is made up of two insecure people who take emotional energy from their partner.
Men
Here are some characteristics of insecure men in relationships:
Irrationally Jealous
An insecure man is constantly worried about his girlfriend leaving him, and is extremely jealous. This manifests itself in constant questioning, mistrust, and altercations with other men.
A man who is secure with himself and his relationship is able to trust his partner. He can do so because he doesn’t depend on her for his well-being. He knows that he will be okay no matter what happens. If she betrays his trust, he is fully capable of either forgiving her, or leaving her to start over.
Abusive
Abuse is where insecurity in a relationship becomes extremely destructive. Men become abusive out of the need to control their partner. Instead of loving them for who they are, they try to force them into someone else.
A man who is secure with himself is never abusive.
Women
Here are a few signs of insecurity for women in relationships:
Stays in Abusive Relationships
Remember how insecure people tend to be attracted to each other? Unfortunately, this means that abusive men end up with women who take the abuse.
Have you ever known a woman who has had a string of abusive boyfriends? She ends up falling for one after the other. She has so little confidence that she is convinced that it’s her fault.
A secure woman isn’t afraid of leaving an abusive man. She knows that she doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment. She creates her own emotional energy and therefore she will be fine on her own.
Overly Sexual
Sexuality is a very powerful force, as evidenced by the amount of sexual images in our media. Men especially are strongly influenced by attractive women. Some women learn that they can get a lot of attention from men by flaunting their sexuality.
An insecure woman who is seeking constant validation from others relies on her sexuality as a crutch. It becomes her main source of emotional energy and begins to define her.
A secure woman doesn’t need constant validation. She is confident enough to define herself in many dimensions; not just one.
Work on Yourself
A common thread in much of the success literature that I have read is the necessity of becoming independent before entering into relationships. If I had to recommend one book to help someone become more secure with themselves, I would recommend The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey.
He talks about achieving private victory before you achieving public victory. He talks about the process of going from dependence to independence to interdependence.
Insecurity can be highly destructive, especially if you don’t understand it. Many insecure people find scapegoats for their problems, never realizing that they are causing the problems themselves.
The beginning of security is learning to laugh at yourself, realizing that no one is perfect.
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I really enjoyed the part about emotional energy, and especially having a sense of humor.
It reminds me of a guy I saw on the weather channel who video taped the roof being ripped off his house while he was inside it! He said the only thing that kept him and his family sane was that they were able to stay cool and keep a sense of humor about things.
As you mentioned, having too much of a sense of humor can be a bad thing when it crosses the line of appropriateness, but overall it will definintely help everyone keep their sanity.
The biggest thing I’ve found about having confidence is to let the emotion follow from the action of being confident — stand up straight, keep your head up and your chest forward. Use some NLP techniques to convince your subconscious that you really are confident.
Of course it doesn’t always come easy. I’m not very confident when it comes to social events and chit chat. but giving a speech to a large audience no longer gives me butterflies. Performing in front of groups is something I did a lot of growing up, but I was usually able to avoid social situations. There is a learned skill that comes with practice. The only way to gain confidence is to force yourself into situations that push your comfort zone.
This was a really great article and really enjoyed it. There is deep meaning here and I believe much of it to be very true to life. Many of the bosses that are very defensive and will squash people in meetings are that way because of their own insecurity. I think we have all worked for someone like this if you have lived long enough.
Great article. I just discovered your blog and really enjoy it.
For insecurity in relationships I would also add the point that some insecure men are extremely needy, always doing whatever his woman says while at the other end some insecure women enjoy bossing around and controlling men. These types of people tend to attract each other.
A lot of people don’t even recognize their insecurities, its such a big part of their everyday life. This article got me thinking and analyzing myself and my insecurities!
An excellent article. I identify myself as having a few of these descriptions and from here I feel I can only go into the right direction, i.e. build more confidence. However Im glad to see that with the bad I embody some of the good traits as well.
Lovely article once again – it has opened my eyes
this is a great article!!! now i can change my self-image, i didn’t noticed how insecure i am till i read this article, thank you to the one who wrote this article it opened my sight of conciusness!!! great job!!!!
Great article! This subject is a definite wealth building KILLER until you deal with it as I had to do. Confidence begins to come as you step out and follow your dream with determination.
Great job!
This is very informative. I have a problem that I am not sure how to handle. I have always been intrested in acheiving and suceeding and have. I am a super heavy weight bodybuilder, a 6.5 level tennis player, a sucessfull self -employed health-care professional, and I have constantly been critized, bullied and belittled by managers, coworkeres and I never used to be certain why. I have been discovering over the past 12 years that people who are not sucesses as themselves but need others for outside verification hate the independent sucess story.
Hi,
Insecurity is a hard subject I guess. The hardest think is difficulty of establish rules cos the reasons are so different for all individuals.
Maybe old post, but still very accurate I think.
The the tips are nice as well, keep up good posts!
Regards,
Janet Gify
Great compilation of knowledge, I must say. Since we are all born in this so called World of competition, we all want to come out as Success and not Failures. No body likes failures! That’s the biggest culprit of them all, this world, this world in which they teach you right from your kindergarten to differentiate between Good and Bad, Rich and Poor, Winners and Losers and the list never ends, tell me if that is not a recipe for insecurity.
The best things Ive learned to control those bad mojos is to not try to control events or other people. Many circumstances in life are beyond your control, particularly the behavior of others. Consider that we live in an imperfect world. Learn to accept what is, for now, until the time comes when perhaps you can change things (which I hardly believe comes once in a million times).
But after all you do and achieve in your life its the MIND the greatest gift that counts in the end.
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‘Men especially are strongly influenced by attractive women’.
Brian, how do you know if you are not a woman?
As one myself, i can say many females influenced by attractive well-built men just as much. Please enough exsuses for your, guys, ‘natural’ inclination for infidelity, you haven’t got! And you are NOT any more visual than us either!
Does making statements like this one make you feel better about your maleness? That’s insecurity.
your article was a real eye opener. i am writing a long assay on the topic “the role of religion in helping the people living with emotional insecurity”. i was thinking if you could please help me with any useful material on the topic as well as offer useful guidelines. its actually my final university level paper, i look forward to hear from you .
„A person who is secure with himself is much more likely to achieve success ”. I think the case with success is not link to the persons character. It would be easy to establish some sort of matrix. I think it’s placed somewhere between lack and work.
Great post!
I love this article, self confidence is the key to being successful in any area of life, glad you brought it to the forefront – My banabu 11 principles touch on this as well
It seems that everything insecure people do is an extreme of what secure people would do: Secure people are funny, insecure people crack too many jokes. Secure people make intelligent contributions to a conversation, insecure people try a bit too hard to be interesting, secure people are confidant, insecure people won’t shut up about themselves, etc. Because of this, everyone accuses popular crowds at school of being the most insecure.While some children may be, others are popular because the rest simply want to emulate that security. It’s a fine line, and for teenagers like myself, it becomes blurry. Thank God I’m on the right side.
Does making statements like this one make you feel better about your maleness? That’s insecurity.
insecurity can kill you. you have to stop being affected on something and make it a big deal. just live you life happily.
Very long and detailed list of the signs of insecurity. I especially like the part specific to women and how they are morelikely to show the signs of insecurity.
I feel like there has been some light shed on the subject of my insucurity. I know it takes two to tango and I will do my part to work on what I have just read to futher our relationship. Thank you
I really enjoyed the article. I think bringing peoples awareness to the fact that trying to eradicate these individual elements (jealousy, for instance) isn’t going to produce dramatic results until the underlying insecurity is dealt with, is really important.
Great post.
Awesome post. Insecurity truly can be devastating… I was extremely insecure myself at one point. It also makes it near impossible to talk to girls sometimes. Anyway, there are ways to overcome… thanks for the article.
Nice article. I really enjoyed it. I think I am gonna repeat reading it couple times.
Honestly speaking, till couple days ago, I didn’t recognize that I am insecure. I felt bad a little bit but also happy that I was brave enough to admit that. I spend hour everyday to look at the symptoms of insecurity, now it’s confirmed I am insecure
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From now on, I leave never myself alone. I am gonna support me at all times. If I succeed I will cheer me. If fails, I will lend hand and cheering also. I will never stop smiling to myself. I love you myself. I don’t need people approval anymore to my words or actions. It is enough that they express me. I am responsible for all mistakes I do.. I want to be myself. Even if I discover no one like this new person hahaha.
I want to fight and resist all negative thoughts that want to put me down.
I think every single moment deserves to be lived in happiness. Real happiness that comes from inside.
i have been reading about insecutity in people and on this site and i am forced to admit that i am insecure. i do not know how to overcome it. i am not physically abusive but i have gotten angry and said things i wish i never had. it hurts to know that i am so insecure. if anyone has any ideas on how to help me over come my insecurities, i would be very grateful. i do not want to live my life this way anymore.
thank you all nora
I think that we are all insecure on some level. Some of us are more insecure than others. You tend to become more secure as you get older.
It’s impossible to be perfectly secure… the best thing is to recognize your insecurities and work on them to the best of your ability.