Signs of Insecurity

One of the greatest challenges we face in our lifetimes is becoming comfortable in our own skin. A person who is secure with himself is much more likely to achieve success, have meaningful relationships, and be respected by others.

A person who is insecure finds difficulty in many aspects of life. Since most people are insecure, a person who is secure has power and influence over others; even if they are not otherwise powerful.

Coming to terms with who you are is the first step in obtaining happiness in life. The sooner you realize that happiness is something that you decide internally, and not something that you get from people or posessions; the sooner you will be able to create your own destiny.

A Lifelong Process

Everyone has some form of insecurity. It’s almost impossible to be 100% free of doubt. There have only been a handful of people throughout history who have obtained this level of confidence, and most of them have gone on to be great spiritual leaders. Now, we look up to them as role-models.

Confidence is usually a gradual process. It often comes with age and wisdom (although some people never find it). Those who work on themselves and gain confidence early on will have a much easier time navigating the challenges of life.

Insecurity is Destructive

Even though none of us are perfect; it’s easy to spot those of us who are overly insecure. Extreme insecurity is usually marked by an obsession with gaining the approval of other people. This level of self-doubt is extremely destructive to a person’s life and is often the root of almost all their problems.

More specifically, secure people find validation from within; while insecure people attempt to find validation from sources outside themselves. This external search for security manifests itself in two major ways:

    1. A person becomes overly selfish. While both sexes engage in this sort of insecurity, men are slightly more likely to choose this route. A selfish person attempts to find security by surrounding himself with possessions, accolades, and attention.

    2. A person becomes overly accomodating. Once again, this form of insecurity is common in both sexes, but women are slightly more likely to choose it as their primary mode of compensation. An overly accommodating person attempts to gain the approval of other people by bending over backwards for them.

A Matter of Energy

I read one of the most eloquent explanations of why people behave the way they do in a book called The Celestine Prophesy by James Redfield. It’s a fictional adventure that tries to explain a few things about reality. The basic gist of the book is that we are all connected by an energy.

I read The Celestine Prophesy over ten years ago, and back then most people saw it as a little hokey. Today, the idea that energy connects us all is becoming mainstream, especially with the advancement of quantum physics and the cultural phenomenon The Secret.

Here’s the basic idea:

    People need emotional energy like they need air. Scientists have found that infants respond dramatically to human touch, and will almost “starve” without it. Quality relationships have been found to be a better indicator of good health than smoking status, weight, or genetics. Even though we can’t quantify it, this emotional energy is a very real and important part of our lives.

    As children, we get our emotional energy from our parents; just like we get food, water, and shelter. Just as food provides nourishment for our bodies, emotional energy nourishes our souls; giving us confidence and security.

    A person has made a successful transition to adulthood when she has learned to provide food, water, and shelter for herself. By the same token, she hasn’t fully matured until she has also learned to provide emotional energy for herself.

    Many people never learn to produce their own emotional energy and continue to seek it from other people, even into adulthood. When they are around others, they draw energy from those around them to fill their void. This burden of energy fatigues the people around them and causes conflict.

    Conversely, a person who has learned to create their own energy is free to give the excess to other people.

Signs of Insecurity

Here are some common signs that indicate insecurity:


Insecure people tend to be very sensitive to critique and respond with defensiveness. They aren’t comfortable enough with themselves to accept that they might be flawed.

A secure person can handle criticism. They’re open to hearing about ways they might improve. If they disagree with the criticism, they don’t try to argue because they’re happy with who they are.

They’re comfortable enough to be themselves, even if other people don’t like it. They realize that they can’t please everyone.

Can’t Enjoy Silence

Some insecure people just can’t deal with silence. They fill every void with meaningless chatter, almost to avoid having to reflect on themselves. The unfortunate consequence is the annoyance of everyone around them, who secretly look for an escape.

A secure person can tolerate, and often enjoys silence. If they are with someone else, they have the ability to let someone else talk without having to interject their own perspective.

Excessive Joking

Another coping mechanism for insecurity is constant joking. While a sense of humor is almost necessary for emotional health, the excessive joker doesn’t seem to know the limits of appropriateness. (Think Michael Scott on “The Office.”)

It feels good when everyone laughs at your joke, and an insecure person craves this sort of attention. The unfortunate consequence is an uncomfortable environment and an insensitivity to others.

Jokes are almost always more funny when they are well-timed and delivered by a person of confidence. Security gives you the ability to be sensitive of others; knowing what they would consider funny and what they would consider offensive.


Insecure people tend to talk about themselves constantly, as if they feel like they have to prove themselves. Self-promotion is paramount to over-compensation for doubt.

A confident person doesn’t need to promote himself. His qualities are displayed naturally by the way he lives his life. Besides, he doesn’t need validation from anyone anyway.


Insecure people feel threatened by others, and one way to cope with this is to try and squash them. The most threatening person of all to an insecure person is a secure person, because they can sense their power.

Overly Authoritative

Insecure people in positions of power tend to compensate for their lack of confidence by taking out their frustrations on their subordinates. They might issue unfair punishments or orders as a way to prove their authority.

I once had a boss who took joy in screaming at his employees, even for minor offenses. Once, I overheard him speaking to another manager about picking someone to fire for the fun of it. This kind of excessive authoritativeness is an obvious over-compensation for insecurity.

Overly Competitive

Competitiveness is part of a healthy emotional makeup, but over-competitiveness is a sign of a problem. Someone who can’t take losing by making a big emotional display lacks confidence.

A person who is secure with himself wins or loses with grace. Grace has a lot to do with respecting your opponent, and you can only do that if you are first comfortable with yourself.


A very dangerous coping mechanism for insecurity is buying things you can’t afford just to show off. We can all think of people with huge TV’s, fast cars, and every toy known to man; even though they don’t make much money. People like this tend to run up their credit cards and get themselves into big trouble.

A secure person doesn’t need to show off. He doesn’t care what other people think about his possessions.

Insecurity in Relationships

Insecurity tends to be amplified in relationships. In this situation, there is a constant struggle for control and energy.

Interestingly enough, people tend to be attracted to other people at the same level of security. Insecure people tend to find other insecure people to date, and secure people tend to date other secure people.

A healthy relationship is made up of two secure people who create their own emotional energy and give to their partner. An unhealthy relationship is made up of two insecure people who take emotional energy from their partner.


Here are some characteristics of insecure men in relationships:

Irrationally Jealous

An insecure man is constantly worried about his girlfriend leaving him, and is extremely jealous. This manifests itself in constant questioning, mistrust, and altercations with other men.

A man who is secure with himself and his relationship is able to trust his partner. He can do so because he doesn’t depend on her for his well-being. He knows that he will be okay no matter what happens. If she betrays his trust, he is fully capable of either forgiving her, or leaving her to start over.


Abuse is where insecurity in a relationship becomes extremely destructive. Men become abusive out of the need to control their partner. Instead of loving them for who they are, they try to force them into someone else.

A man who is secure with himself is never abusive.


Here are a few signs of insecurity for women in relationships:

Stays in Abusive Relationships

Remember how insecure people tend to be attracted to each other? Unfortunately, this means that abusive men end up with women who take the abuse.

Have you ever known a woman who has had a string of abusive boyfriends? She ends up falling for one after the other. She has so little confidence that she is convinced that it’s her fault.

A secure woman isn’t afraid of leaving an abusive man. She knows that she doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment. She creates her own emotional energy and therefore she will be fine on her own.

Overly Sexual

Sexuality is a very powerful force, as evidenced by the amount of sexual images in our media. Men especially are strongly influenced by attractive women. Some women learn that they can get a lot of attention from men by flaunting their sexuality.

An insecure woman who is seeking constant validation from others relies on her sexuality as a crutch. It becomes her main source of emotional energy and begins to define her.

A secure woman doesn’t need constant validation. She is confident enough to define herself in many dimensions; not just one.

Work on Yourself

A common thread in much of the success literature that I have read is the necessity of becoming independent before entering into relationships. If I had to recommend one book to help someone become more secure with themselves, I would recommend The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey.

He talks about achieving private victory before you achieving public victory. He talks about the process of going from dependence to independence to interdependence.

Insecurity can be highly destructive, especially if you don’t understand it. Many insecure people find scapegoats for their problems, never realizing that they are causing the problems themselves.

The beginning of security is learning to laugh at yourself, realizing that no one is perfect.

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  1. Wangari July 14, 2011 at 6:47 am #

    I am now enlightened. Thank you for this read. I had never understood why a lot of people I have worked with would work so hard to quash or back stab. Now I know what great distress insecurity is to the insecure. God bless you, God bless their souls!

  2. Anna July 14, 2011 at 6:56 am #

    hello there, my ex boyfriend of 6 years was just like that. except for the fact that he never acted irrational or even jealous (but it was still obvious he was easily jealous). i never even dared telling him he showed symptoms of passive-aggressive behavior, since the most harmless comment would be considered as criticism and trigger a defensive “if you cant accept me for who i am then why are you with me” response. being in a relationship with someone like that really sucks the joy out of your life, you never know what they really think because they will hide it behind a “strong” layer of apparent apathy. you end up blaming yourself, and start feeling insecure yourself. not even dumping him triggered any reaction, and that after sharing 6years together. a year has passed and i still havent heard from him, im not looking back. guess ill never know if it was cuz he was insecure or cuz our 6 years together actually meant nothing to him.

  3. Anna July 14, 2011 at 7:21 am #

    ps My comment was a response to what peanut said about her friend

  4. Customized Fat Loss July 19, 2011 at 1:18 pm #

    Insecurity is one of the worst trait a person can have. It’s good you recommended 7 habits of highly effective people. It’s a really good book and can help people feel more secure of themselves.

  5. ashleigh July 19, 2011 at 6:52 pm #

    Hello… This article answered some questions for me, and I thank you for that! It helped!

  6. Diana July 30, 2011 at 4:35 pm #

    I would love feedback to my questions. .. I have a boyfriend who seem to have this habit of bringing up past GF experiences when we talk about sex. Also, when he compliments me I always blush and smiles..then he always follows up with a response.. I must have heard this before or he is not the only one that told me this…. How does he view me? I feel like it’s never an intimate one on one. I did tell him about my feelings about it but he doesn’t stop. I’m starting to not take him seriously as a person. What do you think?

  7. Techtoncf August 5, 2011 at 1:59 pm #

    Great read, well written.

  8. Full Throttle Fat Loss August 18, 2011 at 4:10 pm #

    I definitely agree with your lists of insecurities. Many people put blame on other people and other circumstances but they need to look at the deeper root which is normally themselves. In today’s society, no one wants to take responsibility and don’t want to work on themselves. I really like your post though. Thanks!

  9. Gaz August 22, 2011 at 9:56 am #

    I’ve bookmarked this page, that’s how important this is.

  10. kristina September 21, 2011 at 9:46 pm #

    i seem to be a very insecure person-My husband seems to think I make alot of things up-I just want to know how someone cna overcome being so very insecure

  11. Psychologist Spokane October 3, 2011 at 6:27 pm #

    This is a surprisingly insightful peek into some different insecure personality types. I especially liked the ‘Self Promoter’ description.

  12. donna October 8, 2011 at 1:32 pm #

    i was with a an insecure man and i had no problem leaving him..he constantly accused me of things i absolutely was not doing..he claimed i cheated and i said…ok prove it….and he could not understand how i could just walk away..i would tell him he is insecure and has major trust issues and that just made him more angry..he went through my phone and every male in there he called and said something horribly negative about me…im a single woman..why would i have only females numbers in my phone? i would go to car shows and he would get mad..he would tell me im in a committed relationship and i said yes i know but that doesnt mean my life revolves around u..he stalks me..follows and harrasses everyone i talk too…..i just dont understand this behaviour….men like that need serious serious help…i believe he is a danger to society and himself..his rage is unbelievable and this man has a gun card..and we wonder why there are crimes of passion…..i believe if a man or woman ever is diagnosed with depression and put on anti-depression pills…if they have guns or a FOID card it should be pulled..or if there has been incidents where the police have been called because of abuse there guns or FOID card should automatically be pulled…i have witnesses horrible rage..and i beieve this man would kill out of crime of passion..his obsession is above and beyond..and yes he has 7 incident reports on him….im happy again since i have been away..i just wish he would seek appropiate help….

  13. arlene October 12, 2011 at 10:55 am #

    nobody is insecure………….. insecurity it cames from failures in life. being insecure s a punishment of what youved done wrong.. insecurity is being developed if multiple failures pass by..

  14. Derek October 17, 2011 at 2:33 am #

    I liken this subject to that of Self-esteem.
    As a Christian; I am gaining more self-esteem as I learn more about what a loving God I have, as My Father.
    This serves to refract any untruthful negative criticism, that dishonest or insecure people may try to hurt me with.

  15. Hope October 20, 2011 at 12:30 pm #

    Diana, I realize it’s been a while but if you still check this then perhaps I can say something helpful (and I mean the following to apply to any relationship, romantic or otherwise, with this guy or otherwise). If you want to end up with someone, that person must respect you (and you must respect them). You are certainly worth that and more. If he, or anyone, disregards what you say they don’t respect it. I recommend defining your relationship with him. What I mean by that is explicitly sit down and talk to each other about who you are and what you want from the relationship, meaning both people must profess this. Don’t hold anything back, be honest and open. Try to keep emotions from running too high as that might escalate the conversation beyond helpful bounds, but don’t keep from sharing those emotions or you defeat the point of the conversation. If any of this gets thrown in your face (or if you do the same to them) that speaks only of the one doing the throwing, so while it would hurt don’t let it follow you. Beyond that, each of you (not just you and not just him) have to care more for the other than themself. This won’t be where you start but if it’s not the goal then you’re going in the wrong direction. This conversation, by the way, should be kept open ended. Any time either of you wants to talk deep topics of importance that should be accepted and encouraged by the other. If you ever want to end up with someone on a permanent basis you can’t be strangers. Silence is poison.

    Also, for Titania (in regards to your post on Tatiana September 8, 2010 at 4:22 am):
    You’re not crazy, you’re not devalued, you’re not worthless. You are precious, beautiful, important, and worth abundant love and care. Don’t forget it. For anyone else reading this, I’d say the same to you whether you believed it or not.

    Lastly, for Miss Molly (Miss Molly November 3, 2009 at 7:21 pm ):
    You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. Keep it up!

  16. anon November 3, 2011 at 7:35 pm #

    I do believe men who are over – sexual are also insecure: the player, the hyper – romancer, porn addict, and the short term serial monogamist.

    Other insecure men:

    The hostile attraction guy. He either approaches you with a direct put down, “You’re not that good of a writer etc but hey let’s go out sometime. Or a more subtle version that has to do with implying that even though you have a fault he will consider dating you. Ex: I normally don’t date blonds. Or, I normally don’t date older women, etc. They want to seem they are above you as you are lacking. Perhaps women do these
    as well though I’ve never heard a female friend say anything like that nor have my male friends ever complained a woman approached them like that.

  17. wondering????? November 4, 2011 at 9:49 am #

    this small town im in ?
    I got to the cafe and im sitting there and guys i know come in and then go to another table and listen to other’s BS,
    and i think I know these people, and you really dont,
    thier just a bumch of fairweather’ ones that are terrified of anything other than casual jargon.
    bunch of cliqish people that are soo scared to be friend’s that they cant handle it.

  18. armond November 20, 2011 at 12:37 am #

    Very impressive article. i come and found out things about myself in many other ways i never knew, but after this reading ol boy what a lot of work i realize i have to do. its like a total make over..mainly going back to old me where I left behind some where on a lonely highway. im going to be like Quantum Leap episodes im going back & get myself back!! thanks mr. lee

  19. Barry December 25, 2011 at 10:07 pm #

    Inspirational. Thanks.

  20. Phil January 14, 2012 at 8:17 pm #

    Here is my issue and I admit right of the hop I cannot tell if she is emotionally immature, suffering from severe insecurities and low self-esteem, or of there is maybe a more severe issue at hand. My girlfriend constantly avoids getting in to relationships, even with someone she loves deeply. Everytime we get close she makes excuses and pushes away. She says things like she is afraid to settle that she is afraid that there may always be some one better out there, but she has also admitted to being afraid in general, of being hurt amongst other things. One minute she’ll call me her man and tell me she loves me, next minute she’ll say we’re merely “friends with beneifts” and that “she doesn’t see it going anywhere”. She’ll say she’s interested to see where it goes; where each step is going to take us, then turn around and claim she doesn’t remember saying that. Sometimes she’ll hug me very deeply and won’t let go burying her head into my chest, other times she’ll do what I call the “one armed hug”. I have noticed that when we are together she has one tone of voice and we get along great and have very lucid calm discussions, but when she is around her family, her voice litteraly goes up an octave or 2 and she reverts into some sort of childlike state. She also claims she has uds(ugly suckling syndrome) and depsite other advice I have been given, she actually cannot handle being told she is beautiful, or she can handle it but not every day, and does not want to hear every day that I love her, like her disbelief fosters some sort of annoyance. I know she loves me, but she has also told me she is not entirely certain what being in love feels like. Of all her past relationships, the 2nd longest one lasted only 8 months – most of them only a month or 2. her longest 3 years and 8 months, but that one was also her worst relationship too and her last serious lover. She also constantly goes on dates even though she claims she isn’t interested in being in a relationship. I really love this girl alot and I am a patient man – to a degree and I guess I am just wondering like I said at the beginning is this a woman who is. is emotionally immature, suffering from severe insecurities and low self-esteem, or of there is maybe a more severe issue at hand, something that may require medication and what should I do during the low points when she gets all depressive and pulling away and quiet?
    Thank you

  21. Liddybet January 27, 2012 at 10:12 pm #

    i have been married to one for 30 years. I read this yesterday and ticked all the boxes. I married when 18 he 25. I left in first 18 months. He was miserable to be around and it seemed that I was the cause of it. He drove me home! that’s how controlling he was. I never realised how much he took notes on where I was, when I came back home and not wanting me to work. I now realise that it was so that I was in his control all the time.
    If i bought a gift – he would complain. If I saved for a table or a lounge chair – he was not happy. If I bought shoes – he would say I have enough. It was fine for him to come and go around his farm but I had to account for everywhere I went. I mistook it for general interest – it wasn’t.
    I became the subject of his jokes and put downs. My family stopped visiting as they wanted to hit him as he was always putting me down.
    thirty years later, everyday is about him. Every hour is about him. He tells me that I do not cook proper food if anyone became sick in the house. I cook fresh all the time. I am a good cook.
    If i tried to keep the family car clean – I was criticised. Everything I do is criticised. He interrupts me when I speak, so now I sit and listen, sometimes for three hours whilst driving over our farm, and don’t say a word – he does not even notice that it is a one way communication. He never lets me finish a question that he asks.
    He fixes things around the yard now and then and never lets me forget about it for the the next week. He wakes me every morning with either turning on the radio or bringing me a cup of something to drink. i want neither. It is about waking me because he is awake. I talk of times between 5.30am and 6.00am.
    He asks where I have been if I get up in the night to go to the toilet. I may have a stomach ache and be there longer than normal – he notices that the bed is cold. he goes to bed at 8.30pm nearly everynight. I watch TV til 11pm just to have a brain drain without hearing his ongoing self chatter. He will stomp up the passage and look in the loungeroom and grumble at me still being up. He is always right. He is also very, very intelligent and a very accomplished farmer and businessman. He has got worse over the years. What use to happen as put downs occaisonally, are now daily. My emotions are extrememly bruised. He makes me weep often – daily sometimes three times a day. He treats our sons the same – they are in their 20′s. They cannot see what is happening but they feel it. He sets the miserable terms of every day with a breakfast full of our failures and his achievements. I stongly believe that he has never loved me rather he has possessed me. I have a creative head and he stifles my strengths. It is always about him – every meal time. He is constantly hilighting everyone elses failures or mistakes. He fails to see gifts in others. He says we will go on a holiday but that means I am in his company 100 percent of the time and he has me all to himself. anything he encourages me to do or have can look from the outside like I am so well cared for when in reality it will be all about him. He will send me away for a day or two from the farm so that I come back happy – to serve his needs. He refreshes me for more emotional abuse. Sex life has always been good as I have read from anothers experience – but when the change of life hit – he takes it as an insult against him and not as something I have no control over. I have a minefield of experiences that all add up to living with a genius and being treated like an chattel. He loves his sheep dogs as they “do as he says” – control. Three doctors, a stomach specialist, an acupuncturist have told me to leave. this however, requires me to be in a strong position to do so in a well thought out way. It will happen and it will be planned. I have tried to communicate with him for many years and have been left with major frustration and letdowns.

  22. Mike M. January 30, 2012 at 4:17 pm #

    “Some people refuse to be swayed into opinionated conversation (Insecurity), some consciously/subconsciously choose when they’ll be swayed while engaging in opinionated conversation (Semi-security), while others allow free thought, free expression, and freedom to envelop/evolve their liveliness dynamically (Self-security).”

    I would like to thank you Brian Lee for the thought-provocation, the article was read due to a poll I started on facebook and subsequently spawned a public post folling the poll on facebook. Thanks again.

  23. noon February 9, 2012 at 1:18 am #

    I am 34 years old & i had spent the last 20 years struggling & trying to figure out why i am behaving like that!! i finnally discovered that i am extremely insecure, i used to be scared of failures not for the sake of success but because i am scared about what people will think – and say- about me if i failed..i do notaccept my self as it is & i have a very bad self image, always trying to loose weigh to look better although i am not overweight…my husband is a very secure man & he loves me but I am turning his life into a living hell!! .
    i bought (the 7 habits) 3 years ago but i did not read it!! thank you…

  24. Liddybet February 17, 2012 at 3:41 pm #

    Phil January 14 2012 – it may sound funny coming from me – but infidelity is not something I have to deal with.

    Your ‘girlfriend’ is not very loyal to your affections. I don’t know that there is a pill to make her love you and be faithful as well.

    If you are as nice and patient as you say then I would be throwing those pearls at the feet of a woman who appreciates them.

    I was once advised that people are sometimes the product of what we allow them to do. So, maybe in our own ignorance at the time, we bear some responsibility for who they become,

    I had tried to make up for his ‘lack’ in our relationship = thinking that I would put in 75 percent to make up for his 25 percent. A much older man in his late 60′s asked me what percent we should put into a marriage or in your case a relationship. I answered with 50% each – He said no it is 100% each. I then saw the connection between what I had been allowing him to be.

    If LOVE is your strength then allow it to make the right decision and not to be your weakness. If you show love and they leave you – then you know how they value it. If you show love and they stay – then you once again know where you stand. That’s my theory. Love will eventually win if you make your decision based on its strength.

  25. Anthony Hopkins February 17, 2012 at 4:55 pm #

    In response to the commenter who mentioned certain people were getting their “panties in a bunch” about the overly sexual part: Nice opinion, but I’m not sure what a woman being “overly sexual” WITHIN a relationship actually means. Is it dressing in a way that provokes sexual excitement? wanting a lot of sex?

    Can you clarify? I’m mainly asking for clarification as to why a) there’s no counter-point in men in the most obvious corollary of being flashy and materialistic for women and b) why this is mentioned for women specifically within relationships.

    I’m confused because for many women, I think a big part of being in a relationship is the ability to be sexual often and frequently — with lowered health risks and increased emotional satisfaction. Yes, there are women who undervalue their bodies and give sex to the wrong people in hopes that they’ll return the favor (they won’t), but simply creating a category of female insecurity called “overly sexual”… comes off a little judgmental… and insecure.

  26. Jorge Medina March 9, 2012 at 10:44 am #

    I love this very simple, direct article on insecurity. I have dealt with this throughout most of my life and Im starting to see the negative effects of this in my quality of life and the future. Im 36 years old right now, and Im wondering if it is getting too late for me. Please help! :)

  27. Cindy Hayen March 18, 2012 at 10:36 am #

    Great article Brian. I’m glad I came across it. Insecurity is very prevalent in many people and at the root of many of their perceived problems in life, such as relationship issues, addictions, depression, anxiety, and a general unhappiness in life. Thanks for writing a very informative article!

  28. Jeff April 29, 2012 at 7:32 pm #

    Am I insercure or did I have a reason to be?So my ex girlfriend is back in the picture and wants to get coffee and ‘Talk’,Now I have know her for almost eight years now.We dated for almost two years and when we dated in was intense and powerful.I think we spent to much time with each other and relied on each other way to much.She also got pregnant and had an abortion because I was to “childest” in her words being I like to play rugby and race cars..I was insercure when we dated but I think I had reasons to be.Why would a girl bring a change of clothes including under wear to hang out with her “guy friend”?She also has a lot of guy friends that I know what to have hooked up with her.I’m older now since we dated we broke up almost five years ago and I dont think I can handle the guys in her life.Also she likes to go clubbing and drink,both things I dont do or like to do.I get a rush from going 155+mph and not drinking.I would rarther spend my saterday night working on my car or going to the gym then go out and drink and get in a fight.Oh she is 22 and I will be 24 in June maybe thats why we fight?She talks to my mom and says she loves me and all of that stuff,but if you love some one you dont cheat.I think my insecuritys are partly seeing how my parents are.They live in the same house but sleep in separet rooms and do not talk to each other.Other then yelling at each other.The only reason there are living in the same house is because of my young brothers and sisters

    Sorry for the long post and thanks for the help

  29. Katie May 13, 2012 at 10:02 am #

    I am completely insecure, and i cant even tell you why, I was raised to be a very independent person and in life have ended up being a very co-dependent person, I have been in a relationship for 4 years, and my boyfriend points out my insecurities often, the biggest one is that we dont see each other as often as we use to, he works lots, and i just recently moved, and now were 3 hours away from each other, which makes my insecurities worse, he likes to make jokes that can be funny, and at times are not funny, my insecurities feed on them, the biggest one i have, is that im afraid he is going to find someone better than me, and i do a lot of those things mentioned, i over accommodate with him constantly, he knows if he needs help with bills, or anything really he can call me and ill be right there with help, I am really just afraid i am going to lose him, and i know he doesnt go out, and if he does it is rarely, but still in my head if i dont get the chance to talk to him every day via text or phone call, i am freaking out, my head starts thinking things, like i wonder who he is with, is he really even at work, what is he doing that is so much more important than answering my phone call, or why is it that you dont bother to call me, I mean he does call me, and he will say things like this is what i did today, and this is what happened, which its almost like a play by play, which is helpful, because like i know nothing bad is happening, and he does call and say things like just calling you so you dont freak out since we havent talked in a day or two, i understand he does have a life he has hobbies and things, but he is pretty much the loner time, he doesnt like to go out because there is people, he really just goes to work and goes home, he works 6 days a week, and 12 to 15 hour days, so he is pretty tired by the end of the work day, he gets one day off a week, and he may hang out with a friend of his, who they go to comic shows together or movies, I mean he and his friend Bill, do a lot together, like for fact they are going to go catch a movie together today, but my bf is going to go to the beach this after noon and walk, well the beach by himself makes me a little insecure a bunch of girls in swimsuits strutting around him, but after reading this i really dont think a book is going to help you get over an insecurity its something you have to learn to do on your own, and I am really trying but it is so difficult to not want to just call him and be like whats going on, he is trying to be more helpful with everything because he knows it exists, but i guess there are times when he makes jokes that effect it more so, but i am working on it by myself, and learning to just be okay, and not stress so much

  30. keyanna white June 1, 2012 at 10:32 pm #

    wow i just want to say thank you so so much for this article. I was looking up signs for men being insecure because my boyfriend is acting like he is and what i found out was i am the same way… didn’t know i was insecure unless i just didn’t want to admit it .. :/ Please Help me so that i can help my boyfriend.

  31. arnie June 11, 2012 at 3:04 am #

    I am an insecure person. I grew up being ridiculed all the time. I didn’t hear any words of approval from my parents. When other people would say I am pretty, my parents would say I’m not. I never heard any complement from them.
    Now I have a son, I want to make him feel secure and loved. I promised to myself that I will never raise him the way I was raised.
    I am thankful I read this article, this is a very big help to me.

  32. MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ June 15, 2012 at 6:16 am #

    my boyfriend started out with me as something so special i could see it in hs eyes then when i fianally fell in love things changed big time . he took full advantage of me. he does little things that hurt my feelings and when i want to talk he gets mad and walks off. i mean everytime . i asked why he does this for 6 years now and still nothing. we are apart now and it was his choice. its like he had to have me then because i want this answer to my only question he says he wont ever answer it. its very hard either he used me hes afraid to love me cause he might get hurt. hes very shy and i was so proud of his love at the start now im shamed of the way he treats me . he acts its all my fault and tells so many lies excuses its unreal.i wanted to help him hes so unreal . its like the closer we got the more rude things hed do. im hurt to know end oh and i must say we were friends first for 20 years. hes done everything i never dreamed hed be able to do. to leave me would be fine but he will not give me an explanation as to why. im in the dog house everyday. ive never been able to be mad cause if i am hes madder and storms out and then egnores me for a day or two and fianally it turned in to weeks monthes a whole summer. hes hiding from something.aND DEEP INSIDE I THINK HE ADORES ME . BUT ITS BEEN ALMOST A MONTH AND ONE DAY HE BROUGHT ME A NEW MOWER AND AN ICE CREAM BUT STILL SILENCE IS ALL I GET . IT DOESNT SHOW MUCH RESPECT AT ALL FOR ME ITS LIKE IT DONT MATTER I HURT HE CONTINUES WALKING AND EGNORES ME SO HE DOESNT HAVE TO ANSWER. MY QUESTION IS THIS THEY SAY SOMETIMES INSECURE PEOPLE DONT REALIZE HOW MUCH THEY HURT THE ONE THEY LOVE BUT YET SAYS BEWARE THEY ARE VERY GOOD AT WHAT THEY DO . IF HE KNOWS WHAT HES DOING THEN I DONT MEAN MUCH TO HIM IF HE CANT CUT THE BULL AND BE REAL . ITS LIKE ME HURTING MAKES HIM FEEL GOOD IN A SICK WAY. PLEASE HELP ME . THE DEPRESSION OF THIS IS OVERWELMING BUT YET I WANT TO KNOW IF I CAN HELP HIM OR JUST WALK ON. BEINGS WE WERE FRIENDS IT HURTS WORSE CAUSE I NEVER DREAMED HED HURT LIKE HE HAS ,OH YES HESAYS HE HAS 0 COMPASSION FOR ME . ITS ALWAYS ABOUT HIM AND HIS SELF PITTY. NO MATTER WHAT I SAY IM CUTTING HIM DOWN AND IM ONLY EXPRESSING HOW HE MAKES ME FEEL. :( ADVICE PLEASE): PS HE NEVER WILL SAY HES SORRY AND I THINK THATS WHERE IT ALL STARTS WHAT HE DOES WRONG AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY HES GONE. IF HE HAD ONLY SAID SORRY I WASNT THINKING OR THANKS FOR PUTTING UP WITH ME ANYTHING TO SHOW HE KNOWS HE MESSED UP AND FEELS BAD BUT NEVER IT TURNS OUT TO BE MY FAULT ALWAYS.PSS. IM BEGGING TO KNOW THE ANSWER AND MAYBE SOMEONE OUT THERE COULD HELP ME TO MOVE ON OR TO HELP ME STOP FEELING LIKE AN UNWANTED PIECE OF SHIT. HE KEPT ME HANGING ON BY THINGS SUCH AS THE MOWER , BUT NO COMPASSION IS KILLING ME MENTALLY AND PSYICALLY

  33. Saira June 15, 2012 at 9:03 pm #

    all the signs of an insecure person that you listed are absolutely true.I recently had contact with my ex boyfriend.First he said that he likes me and he wants to be back with me then later he started making me jealous of his new girlfriend by mentioning her every time and showing me his pictures with her.He has all the signs that are mentioned.I will try to tell him and help him but if he will continue to make me jealous then because of self esteem i have to get away from him.As seeing your ex with another girl is definitively not a good experience trust me.Thanks again.The article really helped.

  34. Marie June 18, 2012 at 6:59 am #

    My boyfriend and I have been together almost 4 yrs. Me 34, him 39. The first 2 yrs was like a full out blown away romance novel..both of us going threw divorces..this new found love was unexpected and fun. We moved in together within 6 months..we have 4 children between us. And although that was an adjustment, I feel like we are finally making it work in that aspect. But about a yr ago things seem to have changed. I had lost a bunch of weight when we started dating and I felt fabulous! He made me feel great, and very sexy. I decided to get a breast reduction..and it seems like a few months after that everything changed. Why? I’m not too sure. I speculate its because I felt good! I could actually go to a store a buy a “normal” bra. So, I do not have a “bikini body” but I bought one for the first time in my life to wear outside on our deck. But he seems to have gotten very insecure and slightly jealous. He likes my “new” found breasts..but he doesn’t want me to wear tank tops, bathing suits that show any cleavage..etc..says it makes him feel uncomfortable. This has been a major issue with us over the yr. His insecurities are wearing thin on me. I don’t dress provocative in any way at all..but he told me I needed to dress more modest!! I was very hurt. I love him. I reassured him I dress the way I do because it makes me feel good. And I want to look good for him. He LOVES looking at other women. Just doesn’t want any other man looking at me. Its hurt my pride. This person that I’ve had this whirlwind romance with..someone that I thought and still hope to spend the rest of my life with is managing to ruin my self esteem. And that hurts! I’ve worked so hard to establish that over the last few yrs. We’ve been to counselling and our therapist said he is acting like an adolecent! But he just says this is who he is and he will never this true? Do I give up on almost the four yrs of establishing our life together over something like this? I’m almost always concious of showing my cleavage because I don’t want to piss him off. My friends are telling me that we are starting to be that couple that show up at a party wondering if we are going to fight or not..because something will tick him off and he’ll start an arguement or just leave me there. I’m too old for this. Having been through one divorce, I want a relationship that has trust and respect for each other..I know he loves me..but he wants to keep me “hidden” to speak. I welcome ANY positive suggestions. Thanks!

  35. Michelle June 19, 2012 at 9:52 pm #

    I have lot of sex not because I am insecure but because I like sex.So having alot of sex isnt always insecurity it can be a sign of confidence to OWN IT-your sexuality is yours.Making fun of others for what they do or look like or if they are different is definitely a sign of “insecurity”.That being said pointing out insecure people and segregating them into a labelled group that separates “us” from “them” is not really about them .When you point out the flaws of others its something wrong in yourself.I say love everybody insecure or not who cares what they do they are just people who act different.Get over it.Insecure people try to “fix” others…seems a bit of a paradox doesn’t it?
    oxymoronic situation.

  36. a recovering insecuritic June 21, 2012 at 6:25 pm #

    Liddybet, thank you for sharing your painful experience. I hope you will find your happiness.

    Phil, your girlfriend reminds me of my ex-gf. She was full of contradictions between showing extreme passion and coldness. I loved her dearly and wanted to commit to her but she ran away instead. It takes two to be in a relationship and if my experience is any guide I don’t think your relationship will work. I’m sorry to say.

    This article helped me uncover some of my own insecurities that I have been trying to address. It’s really helpful to read all of your stories. Thank you, All.

  37. Shannon July 14, 2012 at 8:00 pm #

    I was in a relationship with my bf–I am 32 and he is 47–and things were great starting out. Over time, I realized being with him just left me drained. He was extremely pessimistic–I mean, there was nothing I or anyone could do to convince him of a positive outcome. For instance, I decided to go back to school for another degree, but I was having difficulty getting accepted. I kept trying, but he was convinced I wasn’t going to get it. Imagine his surprise when I got the acceptance letter that informed me I was on the waiting list. Of course, he accused me of pulling some strings to get my name on the list. Or the time when I went to pick up some takeout for dinner and I got my order free because I was the 1000th customer that day. My bf was convinced I was sleeping with the manager and nothing could convince him otherwise.

    He constantly accused me of seeing other men; every time I turned over in bed, he was on me, constantly asking questions. “What are you doing? Where are you going? Why are you turning over?” He asked so many senseless questions, it drove me nuts. And jealous? I couldn’t walk around the house without him coming to look for me or leave for a few minutes without him asking me where I’d been or where I was going. He would even have a friend, a guy renting a room in the house, to go places with me; he said it was to keep me company, but I know it was to make sure I was going where I said I was going and to make sure I wasn’t going off to be with another man. I couldn’t even go to work without being accused of something. Around May, I got tired of it and by June, I just stopped all relationship activity: sex, eating together, talking and even sleeping in bed with him. I would stay up all night and sleep during the day so I could be alone and he would come in and wake me up, kissing all on me and badgering me to wake up and spend time with him. He complained about my studies, always telling me to “move my junk” from his side of the bed. I just couldn’t take it anymore when one night I’d done laundry and he got into bed and pulled the fitted sheet from off the mattress and got under it and I asked him why was he under that sheet. Before I could finish my thought, he blew up. “Because I want to be under the fucking blanket.” I was floored. I told him it was unnecessary to even come at me like that and he blew me off. He always thinks he knows what I want and what I’m thinking and he’s never wrong; according to him, I don’t like to admit he’s right and he knows what’s in my mind and what I’m thinking and what I want and he never lets me finish a sentence because he thinks he knows what I’m trying to say and then we argue when he does that. I got so sick of him that I stopped talking to him, preferring to spend my time in another city just for the break. While there, I decided to get my own place. I got an apartment and I left. He swears I came here to be with another man. I came here to get away from him. I don’t have friends, so I decided to put out an ad to meet fellow psych/nursing majors for a few new brains to pick and he got on and responded and pretended to be a 23yo college student majoring in psychology. He was angry and accused me of seeing other men and I just told him I couldn’t be with him anymore, that he was driving me crazy and draining me with his negativity and pessimism. I told him I was sick of him always up under me and demanding to know every thought in my mind and insisting on knowing every move I make. So I left and now I am in my apartment and feeling free. I can watch whatever I want on television because he isn’t here to criticize what I like or call me stupid for liking what I like or pointing out why I should like this or that show and why my shows are stupid. I couldn’t do anything and I was tired of it, tired of him. He was raggedy and had no ambition and it bothered him that I did and he tried to stop me from going to school, but I still went and he was angry when he learned I did. He thinks college is all hype and it’s a waste of money and no one should bother with it, but I ignored him and I did what I wanted. I didn’t need his approval or acceptance because I am fine the way I am. Being alone doesn’t bother me because I would rather be alone than to be with someone like him.

  38. Belle August 8, 2012 at 4:39 am #

    I believe I have an insecurity problem, but its difficult to understand. I’m 19, and I honestly belive I’m a good person, with good morals and I’m kind and respectful to everyone. I had a very sheltered childhood up until I turned 13, when I started highschool (the first schooling I’ve received). I have gotten over a lot of the fears of public interaction, and consider myself comfortable for the most part now. I guess my issue with insecurity is within my own personality. I don’t know why really. I feel confident in who I am, but at the same time I’m not. After I graduated highschool in 2010 I’ve lost contact with all my old friends. I blame myself for that. I’ve never gone to a big highschool party, I feel intimidated by it. I get very comfortable at work, and sem very confident. But I feel constantly reminded that I don’t have friends when I’m at work and everyone talks about drinking, river trips and bestfriends. I feel like I can pretend to have a lot of friends when I’m there, because noone knows. This bothers me and makes me feel insecure. I still text/talk to old friend on facebook from time to time. But I feel like my family is all I have, and were very close. If this sounds confusing, its because it is. If not, I would seriously love for someone to reply. I know the root to my insecurity in who I am to other people comes from how I grew up. Please someone give me some insight on this, I don’t want to be that person who over anylizes peoples thoughts about me and things I say. I always do and it drive me crazy. Someone reply, as I don’t feel I got the closure I need from this article although it was helpful to read. I also book marked this.

  39. joan August 15, 2012 at 5:19 am #

    i just dont like the idea that parents just stays together for the sake of a child and they dont really get along, it would be better for the child to be given or adopted? i dont know, just think so…

  40. enlightened August 17, 2012 at 1:17 am #

    Thanks and great, I feel more secure, lucky to have read this at right time, or may have lost a relationship..

  41. Scott Dixon August 19, 2012 at 10:41 am #

    I read this entire article with my mouth hung open in amazement of how accurately these statements reflect a co-worker of mine who used to be a friend. I really feel the urge to send him this link even though we are not friends anymore. This article could really help him I think, but I don’t believe its worth my energy. Thoughts anyone?

  42. GT August 19, 2012 at 11:02 am #

    Unsolicited advice rarely helps… People change when they are ready.

  43. who knows? August 19, 2012 at 11:50 am #

    all my life ive tried to talk to woman or a woman, to go out with one, or a relationship with one,to no avail.
    are they all in a hurry or wanting a loser,or hang out with the snob crowd?
    or the cocky arrogant ones that have nothing inside but talk stupid cute words.
    no matter where i go i see ones taken by the nobody type guy or the guy that is wayyy overconfident,or one sided with no personality. or tact.
    actions speak louder than words,and I swear up and down that all they want is a fantasy or a fun type thing with no responsability,or the stupid partys at the the slightest whim.

  44. Jenny August 23, 2012 at 11:46 am #

    I never been insecure through out my life but I’ve been always a victim of insecure people.I’m so much fascinated with this article because it answered all my queries about my husband’s ex gf attitude and behaviors towards me.I tried to understand her and just kept quiet of what she’s posting on her fb against me, she was never contented saying malicious words against me and posted a picture of someone and said am as ugly as that girl in the picture,I never knew all these things when she didn’t add some of my friends in my friendslist,my friend whom she happened to add copied and saved all his posts on her fb and I was so shocked that she even included my son.She’s been posting nude and daring photos of her and posting on her fb wall then sharing it to my friends whom she added.At first I just laughed on it but then I was really alarmed when she posted on her fb wall saying that I can use her sexy undies which she left in my husband’s condo before and even said that she has a bigger boobs than me.I emailed her then fortunately she’s online.I chatted her and said please if you have problems on me or if I did something wrong to you,speak to me directly I confronted her and asked her why are you saying things against me which are not true in your fb wall and all she said was WHATEVER….Now I understand she’s really in a state of being insecured..

  45. Alice October 9, 2012 at 1:21 pm #

    All these characteristics remind me of a couple I know. Constantly arguing and bickering over petty things. I was trying to hang out with the girl of the couple, have a few drinks and catch up, but her boyfriend FLIPPED saying ‘you cheated on me before, you’re going to do it again.’ and straight out told her no. Then she broke up with him and SURPRISE, they’re back together. It’s like if she cheated on you and you can’t trust her to even go out with a girl friend of hers, why stay?!?!!?! They always try to get money out of everyone and say I’ll pay you back…I or a friend of mine have never seen a dime back. He’s dropped out of college twice, works at a dead end job but continues to say how he wants his own business. She’s probably had 10 jobs the past year and is about to quit her current one and go to another job. She works over 40 hrs a week and her check is usually gone within two days and then asks for gas money to hang out when she offered to be the driver. I work 25 hrs a week and save $300/month and pay for my own everything…I just don’t get it. It’s been an on and off friendship for quite sometime and whenever we start talking again, she starts hanging out & talking to MY friends like they’re super close and doesn’t bother to call me. And they always, ALWAYS try to one up my boyfriend and I when we do nothing to initiate it. I’m starting school in December for graphic design and am currently a receptionist. He’s a contract worker and going to school for programming…yeah. It’s just ridiculous and I have no idea why we always end up talking to them again because all it becomes is petty drama and them initiating some ‘I’m better than you’ competition. Ugh.


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