Great article Brian. I’m glad I came across it. Insecurity is very prevalent in many people and at the root of many of their perceived problems in life, such as relationship issues, addictions, depression, anxiety, and a general unhappiness in life. Thanks for writing a very informative article!

I love this very simple, direct article on insecurity. I have dealt with this throughout most of my life and Im starting to see the negative effects of this in my quality of life and the future. Im 36 years old right now, and Im wondering if it is getting too late for me. Please help!

In response to the commenter who mentioned certain people were getting their “panties in a bunch” about the overly sexual part: Nice opinion, but I’m not sure what a woman being “overly sexual” WITHIN a relationship actually means. Is it dressing in a way that provokes sexual excitement? wanting a lot of sex?

Can you clarify? I’m mainly asking for clarification as to why a) there’s no counter-point in men in the most obvious corollary of being flashy and materialistic for women and b) why this is mentioned for women specifically within relationships.

I’m confused because for many women, I think a big part of being in a relationship is the ability to be sexual often and frequently — with lowered health risks and increased emotional satisfaction. Yes, there are women who undervalue their bodies and give sex to the wrong people in hopes that they’ll return the favor (they won’t), but simply creating a category of female insecurity called “overly sexual”… comes off a little judgmental… and insecure.

Phil January 14 2012 – it may sound funny coming from me – but infidelity is not something I have to deal with.

Your ‘girlfriend’ is not very loyal to your affections. I don’t know that there is a pill to make her love you and be faithful as well.

If you are as nice and patient as you say then I would be throwing those pearls at the feet of a woman who appreciates them.

I was once advised that people are sometimes the product of what we allow them to do. So, maybe in our own ignorance at the time, we bear some responsibility for who they become,

I had tried to make up for his ‘lack’ in our relationship = thinking that I would put in 75 percent to make up for his 25 percent. A much older man in his late 60′s asked me what percent we should put into a marriage or in your case a relationship. I answered with 50% each – He said no it is 100% each. I then saw the connection between what I had been allowing him to be.

If LOVE is your strength then allow it to make the right decision and not to be your weakness. If you show love and they leave you – then you know how they value it. If you show love and they stay – then you once again know where you stand. That’s my theory. Love will eventually win if you make your decision based on its strength.

I am 34 years old & i had spent the last 20 years struggling & trying to figure out why i am behaving like that!! i finnally discovered that i am extremely insecure, i used to be scared of failures not for the sake of success but because i am scared about what people will think – and say- about me if i failed..i do notaccept my self as it is & i have a very bad self image, always trying to loose weigh to look better although i am not overweight…my husband is a very secure man & he loves me but I am turning his life into a living hell!! .
i bought (the 7 habits) 3 years ago but i did not read it!! thank you…

“Some people refuse to be swayed into opinionated conversation (Insecurity), some consciously/subconsciously choose when they’ll be swayed while engaging in opinionated conversation (Semi-security), while others allow free thought, free expression, and freedom to envelop/evolve their liveliness dynamically (Self-security).”

I would like to thank you Brian Lee for the thought-provocation, the article was read due to a poll I started on facebook and subsequently spawned a public post folling the poll on facebook. Thanks again.

i have been married to one for 30 years. I read this yesterday and ticked all the boxes. I married when 18 he 25. I left in first 18 months. He was miserable to be around and it seemed that I was the cause of it. He drove me home! that’s how controlling he was. I never realised how much he took notes on where I was, when I came back home and not wanting me to work. I now realise that it was so that I was in his control all the time.
If i bought a gift – he would complain. If I saved for a table or a lounge chair – he was not happy. If I bought shoes – he would say I have enough. It was fine for him to come and go around his farm but I had to account for everywhere I went. I mistook it for general interest – it wasn’t.
I became the subject of his jokes and put downs. My family stopped visiting as they wanted to hit him as he was always putting me down.
thirty years later, everyday is about him. Every hour is about him. He tells me that I do not cook proper food if anyone became sick in the house. I cook fresh all the time. I am a good cook.
If i tried to keep the family car clean – I was criticised. Everything I do is criticised. He interrupts me when I speak, so now I sit and listen, sometimes for three hours whilst driving over our farm, and don’t say a word – he does not even notice that it is a one way communication. He never lets me finish a question that he asks.
He fixes things around the yard now and then and never lets me forget about it for the the next week. He wakes me every morning with either turning on the radio or bringing me a cup of something to drink. i want neither. It is about waking me because he is awake. I talk of times between 5.30am and 6.00am.
He asks where I have been if I get up in the night to go to the toilet. I may have a stomach ache and be there longer than normal – he notices that the bed is cold. he goes to bed at 8.30pm nearly everynight. I watch TV til 11pm just to have a brain drain without hearing his ongoing self chatter. He will stomp up the passage and look in the loungeroom and grumble at me still being up. He is always right. He is also very, very intelligent and a very accomplished farmer and businessman. He has got worse over the years. What use to happen as put downs occaisonally, are now daily. My emotions are extrememly bruised. He makes me weep often – daily sometimes three times a day. He treats our sons the same – they are in their 20′s. They cannot see what is happening but they feel it. He sets the miserable terms of every day with a breakfast full of our failures and his achievements. I stongly believe that he has never loved me rather he has possessed me. I have a creative head and he stifles my strengths. It is always about him – every meal time. He is constantly hilighting everyone elses failures or mistakes. He fails to see gifts in others. He says we will go on a holiday but that means I am in his company 100 percent of the time and he has me all to himself. anything he encourages me to do or have can look from the outside like I am so well cared for when in reality it will be all about him. He will send me away for a day or two from the farm so that I come back happy – to serve his needs. He refreshes me for more emotional abuse. Sex life has always been good as I have read from anothers experience – but when the change of life hit – he takes it as an insult against him and not as something I have no control over. I have a minefield of experiences that all add up to living with a genius and being treated like an chattel. He loves his sheep dogs as they “do as he says” – control. Three doctors, a stomach specialist, an acupuncturist have told me to leave. this however, requires me to be in a strong position to do so in a well thought out way. It will happen and it will be planned. I have tried to communicate with him for many years and have been left with major frustration and letdowns.

Here is my issue and I admit right of the hop I cannot tell if she is emotionally immature, suffering from severe insecurities and low self-esteem, or of there is maybe a more severe issue at hand. My girlfriend constantly avoids getting in to relationships, even with someone she loves deeply. Everytime we get close she makes excuses and pushes away. She says things like she is afraid to settle that she is afraid that there may always be some one better out there, but she has also admitted to being afraid in general, of being hurt amongst other things. One minute she’ll call me her man and tell me she loves me, next minute she’ll say we’re merely “friends with beneifts” and that “she doesn’t see it going anywhere”. She’ll say she’s interested to see where it goes; where each step is going to take us, then turn around and claim she doesn’t remember saying that. Sometimes she’ll hug me very deeply and won’t let go burying her head into my chest, other times she’ll do what I call the “one armed hug”. I have noticed that when we are together she has one tone of voice and we get along great and have very lucid calm discussions, but when she is around her family, her voice litteraly goes up an octave or 2 and she reverts into some sort of childlike state. She also claims she has uds(ugly suckling syndrome) and depsite other advice I have been given, she actually cannot handle being told she is beautiful, or she can handle it but not every day, and does not want to hear every day that I love her, like her disbelief fosters some sort of annoyance. I know she loves me, but she has also told me she is not entirely certain what being in love feels like. Of all her past relationships, the 2nd longest one lasted only 8 months – most of them only a month or 2. her longest 3 years and 8 months, but that one was also her worst relationship too and her last serious lover. She also constantly goes on dates even though she claims she isn’t interested in being in a relationship. I really love this girl alot and I am a patient man – to a degree and I guess I am just wondering like I said at the beginning is this a woman who is. is emotionally immature, suffering from severe insecurities and low self-esteem, or of there is maybe a more severe issue at hand, something that may require medication and what should I do during the low points when she gets all depressive and pulling away and quiet?
Thank you

Inspirational. Thanks.

Very impressive article. i come and found out things about myself in many other ways i never knew, but after this reading ol boy what a lot of work i realize i have to do. its like a total make over..mainly going back to old me where I left behind some where on a lonely highway. im going to be like Quantum Leap episodes im going back & get myself back!! thanks mr. lee

this small town im in ?
I got to the cafe and im sitting there and guys i know come in and then go to another table and listen to other’s BS,
and i think I know these people, and you really dont,
thier just a bumch of fairweather’ ones that are terrified of anything other than casual jargon.
bunch of cliqish people that are soo scared to be friend’s that they cant handle it.

I do believe men who are over – sexual are also insecure: the player, the hyper – romancer, porn addict, and the short term serial monogamist.

Other insecure men:

The hostile attraction guy. He either approaches you with a direct put down, “You’re not that good of a writer etc but hey let’s go out sometime. Or a more subtle version that has to do with implying that even though you have a fault he will consider dating you. Ex: I normally don’t date blonds. Or, I normally don’t date older women, etc. They want to seem they are above you as you are lacking. Perhaps women do these
as well though I’ve never heard a female friend say anything like that nor have my male friends ever complained a woman approached them like that.

Diana, I realize it’s been a while but if you still check this then perhaps I can say something helpful (and I mean the following to apply to any relationship, romantic or otherwise, with this guy or otherwise). If you want to end up with someone, that person must respect you (and you must respect them). You are certainly worth that and more. If he, or anyone, disregards what you say they don’t respect it. I recommend defining your relationship with him. What I mean by that is explicitly sit down and talk to each other about who you are and what you want from the relationship, meaning both people must profess this. Don’t hold anything back, be honest and open. Try to keep emotions from running too high as that might escalate the conversation beyond helpful bounds, but don’t keep from sharing those emotions or you defeat the point of the conversation. If any of this gets thrown in your face (or if you do the same to them) that speaks only of the one doing the throwing, so while it would hurt don’t let it follow you. Beyond that, each of you (not just you and not just him) have to care more for the other than themself. This won’t be where you start but if it’s not the goal then you’re going in the wrong direction. This conversation, by the way, should be kept open ended. Any time either of you wants to talk deep topics of importance that should be accepted and encouraged by the other. If you ever want to end up with someone on a permanent basis you can’t be strangers. Silence is poison.

Also, for Titania (in regards to your post on Tatiana September 8, 2010 at 4:22 am):
You’re not crazy, you’re not devalued, you’re not worthless. You are precious, beautiful, important, and worth abundant love and care. Don’t forget it. For anyone else reading this, I’d say the same to you whether you believed it or not.

Lastly, for Miss Molly (Miss Molly November 3, 2009 at 7:21 pm ):
You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. Keep it up!

I liken this subject to that of Self-esteem.
As a Christian; I am gaining more self-esteem as I learn more about what a loving God I have, as My Father.
This serves to refract any untruthful negative criticism, that dishonest or insecure people may try to hurt me with.

nobody is insecure………….. insecurity it cames from failures in life. being insecure s a punishment of what youved done wrong.. insecurity is being developed if multiple failures pass by..