Have you ever been a little frustrated with a co-worker and wrote an email to express your concerns; and instead of reading your calm, yet concerned tone, the co-worker read a little more attitude than you intended and snapped of an even more explosive email with three other co-workers and two supervisors CC’d?
Your next move played a pivotal part in the escalation of the conflict and said more about your character than any email could ever describe.
The Pivotal Moment
Did you:
A) Snap off an even more heated email, with everyone in the company CC’d including the CEO?
B) Go into damage-control mode by crafting a very detailed email in a level-headed, yet firm tone explaining the conflict to everyone attached to the email chain.
C) Take a lunch break to cool off and resolve the issue by picking up a phone.
Technology and Civility
Here are two of my major frustrations with the onset of technologies like email, text messaging, and Facebooking:
1) Lack of Non-Verbal Communcation
2) Lack of inhibiting factors
The Downfall of Non-Verbal Communication
If you’ve ever taken a communications class, one of the first principles you were taught is that (depending on the source) 70-95% of communication is non-verbal. You can literally say the same sentence an infinite number of ways and communicate an infinite number of meanings.
Here’s an example from an article about how your brain interprets what your ears hear at The National Institutes of Health website:
Try changing the emphasis on a different word and see how it changes the meaning of this sentence:
The blue fish is too big for that tank. (Meaning: The blue fish is too big, but fish of other colors are the appropriate size.)
The blue fish is too big for that tank. (Meaning: The blue fish is too big, but other blue creatures are the appropriate size.)
The blue fish is too big for that tank. (Meaning: The blue fish is too big for that tank but may be the appropriate size for some other tank.)
Add voice tone, facial expressions, hand motions, eye contact, etc. and you can see how easy it is to make mistakes in communication. It’s amazing that we can even communicate at all.
Digital Emotions
That’s why I try to make all important or emotional communications by voice; preferably in person, but at least over the phone.
Think about a simple message such as: “Are you going to get that project done, or are you really busy?” Let’s say you were in a hurry and you decided to send it in a text-message. You sent it with a smile, in a caring tone, as if to offer help.
But think of all the ways that message could be interpreted. The person who reads it might imagine you to be crossing your arms with a snarky tone. They might imagine a smirk on your face as if to put you down. They might see you rolling your eyes in a condescending way.
You have no way of controlling how your message is interpreted, because you are not there to add your non-verbals and view the reaction.
Feedback Corrections
When you’re face-to-face with someone, you have the luxury of instant feedback in order to make course-corrections. If something didn’t come out as you intended, or if someone gets offended, you can instantly backtrack, or clarify your position.
With electronic communication, if your recipient is offended, they might stew on on it or bring other people into the conversation before you have a chance to react.
Lack of Inhibitions
People are simply more civil to each other face to face. If someone cuts you off with a grocery cart you’d probably bite your tongue and force a smile; but when you get home you might scream at the wall to release your frustration. The potential consequences of a conflict inhibited you from screaming at the person face-to-face.
Behind your computer screen at home, the consequences of offending someone else seem far away, almost non-existent. It’s much easier to tell someone “what you really think” in the heat of the moment, even if you’ll regret it later.
It doesn’t take any guts to confront someone from behind your computer. This is what cowards do, they hide behind someone or something else and yell insults.
Grow a Pair
Today, it seems like everyone wants to use email and text messaging for their dirty work. Breaking up, firing someone, canceling a date… It drives me crazy. Do you realize how little toughness it takes to fire someone over email? Grow a pair. (Yes, this actually happened to someone I know.)
People want to hide behind the digital divide and lob missiles. They say things that they never would face to face. Toughen up. Here’s a good rule of thumb: If you can’t say it in person, don’t say it at all.
The Last Time I Succumbed to Temptation
Early in my professional career I had a rocky relationship with a co-worker, let’s call her Sally. Sally had been around the job awhile and held the same position that I held. We reported to the same person; but, for one reason or another, she thought that it was their business to tell me what I could and could not do at work.
About twice a week, I would get a very detailed email from her listing what I had done wrong. I held my tongue every time it happened because I wasn’t going to lower myself to this sort of argument.
I simply ignored her and continued on with my day. My supervisors were very happy with my work and I didn’t see the problem.
One day, her frustration with me must have hit critical mass. Sally gathered all the emails she had ever sent me, pasted them into one huge email, added a few more things and emailed it. Not only did she send it to me, but to our boss, our boss’ boss, and about 5 other people who had nothing to do with anything.
My Test
I promptly drafted up the most scathing email I could write, CC’ing everyone I could think of who would support me, and sat staring at the “send” button. The email draft explained how she constantly rode me (when it wasn’t her place); furthermore, it went on to criticize everything else about her I could think of at the time.
I knew I shouldn’t send it, but in a moment of weakness I clicked…
I immediately felt remorse, but there was no turning back. The deed had been done. If I had just left it where it was; spoke to my supervisor and Sally in a civil way, she would have looked like the idiot. Instead, I went down into the mud where she lived.
The email did what it was intended to do. She had a sit-down with the supervisor and stopped the behavior, but it wasn’t worth the unintended consequences. The tension in the office made working together a problem and I was moved to a different department. I never worked it out with her and I regret it to this day.
The CC is the New Tattle-Tale
CCing your boss is really the same as telling your mom on someone. Come on. Are we still in Kindergarten?
Count to Five
Before you click “send”, force yourself to do these five things:
1. Wait 24 Hours.
Things never seem as bad 24 hours later… The emotions of the moment cloud your judgement. You might even realize some fault.
2. Don’t Make it Personal
In business, emotions can get you in trouble. Think about what you want your results to be and stick to what will get you there. Don’t play he said/she said and possibly risk much more. Just solve the problem.
3. Talk to The Most Rational Person You Know
Immediately, call a trusted friend who can talk you off the ledge. Try to avoid emotional or irrational personality types. Call the most level-headed, non-emotional person you know for some advice. You’ll almost always find that there are much simpler ways to resolve your problem.
4. Check the Ego
It’s tough to conceive, but you might actually be wrong. If you are wrong, fighting back might just make it worse. Have the courage to accept fault where deserved and move towards solving the problem. Don’t make this about destroying the other person. Make it about a mutual solution.
5. Pick up a Phone
Have some integrity and pick up the phone. Stop the CC email madness and cut to the chase.
Your counterpart will probably be so shocked that they will drop their guard. At the very least, you will get their respect. Even if they hate you for it, they will respect you because you had the integrity and guts to face your problem head on.
🙂
(Featured photo by Caleb Best)
When you are in a situation like this you fail to realize what the consequences of such a behavior from your side. You should wait till your mind cools down before making any decision to act.
Agreed… Just think: this article was written before Twitter blew up to where it is now. Twitter is an even greater temptation!
Great advice here. Thanks for sharing.
The worst horrors and lessons I have learned were from seeing people or being one of the persons who was cc’ed, even bcc’ed in a message that I should not have read a word of.
Thefrustration peaks as well for me when I see that the person next to me feels they have to e-mail me something so simple. Even a thank you cannot be voiced anymore? Uggh. I just move on.
I’m so glad I don’t work in an office anymore. Now that I work at home, I am much happier, but I can get into a tither with some of my clients. I still have to count to ten (or 100) before I hit send..
CC’ing a manager or supervisor in an email is exactly like tattling! I hadn’t thought of it quite like that before but it is so true. It’s too bad that e-mail has become the main way to communicate in so many workplaces these days. People need to stop with the cc’ing though, c’mon!
hi,
I have to confess that I enjoy reading your post.It is indeed really interesting what people can do to avoid talking face to face about an issue…
Loved this article but it’s extremely hard not to crack when someone continuously CC’s directors in day to day communications, which causes more problems then they solve. Your advice is very good and will be coming back for more. Thanks
I like that… The new crack. I agree. With Twitter I feel like I’m behind the curve, but do I really want to catch up?
Loved this article but it’s extremely hard not to crack when someone continuously CC’s directors in day to day communications, which causes more problems then they solve. Your advice is very good and will be coming back for more. Thanks
Email wars are a sure sign that you’re unemployable.Time to start your own business.
the only thing I could ever think of in this situation is that the person you emailed hated you enough to stoop down that level. (I like that line you mentioned kindergarten. that’s exactly what I want to imply)
you can either let your emotions get hold of you or confront the person to end these nonsense chain mails.
hi,
I have to confess that I enjoy reading your post.It is indeed really interesting what people can do to avoid talking face to face about an issue… 🙂
If you’ve been in an office with atleast 10 people, then you surely could relate to this stuff. And it doesn’t matter what kind of position you are holding in your company. Haha
Seems much more complex than it used to be, doesn’t it?
Its suprising what people will do to avoid having to talk to someone face to face about an issue.
I work in an open plan office -and its quite surprising that some people wont just walk other to talk to someone about something -but i guess sometimes your in the moment and dont want to ruin the flow.
Recently my band split, and everyone in that local music scene wants to know what happened, and im very aware i have to be very careful about saying what to who, because being the person to call everyone an ‘ass’ isnt going to get you anywhere.
I like that… The new crack. I agree. With Twitter I feel like I’m behind the curve, but do I really want to catch up?
I agree about how people don’t use verbal communication for the important conversations.
When I got my Blackberry, I fell in love with how easy I could connect with people without slowing down my day. But truly, nothing beats a real conversation.
For people who tend to get addicted this type of “instant catching up”, Twitter is your new crack. I’m am proceeding with caution.
When emotion rushes in, it becomes difficult to think and act rationally. I go for a short walk outside when situations like these arises.
I like the line “If you can’t say it in person, don’t say it at all.”
These days, there’s a lot less tolerance for this type of behavior in the corporate world.
Early in my career, bosses would routinely yell out their door to call someone into their office or berate an underling in front of other workers. Coworkers would squabble with each other to gain respect and bosses would watch to see who would come out on top. I rarely see this happening now.
Companies are really stressing teamwork, group goals and cross functionality. They don’t allow personal attacks, because it demoralizes employees and causes talented people to leave. Even senior executives are now expected to maintain professional relationships with the employees.
No matter who is at fault, sending out an attack email could be detrimental to your career.
Hi Brian,
Been there, done that. It’s what captain Kirk used to call a no win scenario! When faced with a no win scenarios change the rules by not playing that game and playing a different one.
Nowadays I tend to wait a while for the emotion to subside and respond as factually and as non-judgementally as I can and I don’t escalate. If the mails persist I don’t respond as I refuse to be dragged down to that level. If detailed clarification of a misunderstanding is required I pick up the phone. What is even worse than communicating by E mail for sensitive issues is communicating via text message. Texting can easily be misinterpreted as it is minimalist in nature. Another nasty one is the facility to go directly into voicemail. What this says is I want to tell you to do something but I don’t want to talk to you.
Business and life is all about relationships. These relationships need to be maintained and some things are better dealt with personally.
I think a ton of people can relate to this post. I know I can. If things aren’t going well, I tend to just pick up the phone or go meet them if that’s possible. It’s more difficult to be mad at someone over the phone or better yet, face to face.
Great post!
-Dustin